Posts tagged ‘Liu Dehua’

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Hermit: The Stupid Little Mermaid

Hello Children,

it’s me, Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly, once again. Today I’m going to tell you a fairytale. Here goes…

Once upon a time, say, in the year of 2050, Nannymaid was on a routine patrol tour through the Channel, and somewhere West of Guernsey and Southwest of Land’s End, OK, in the middle of the Atlantic really, she met an attractive, beautiful little Mermaid with a Cool-Britannia T-shirt on that left her neat round hips naked, and with a button in each of her ears. Around her neck hung something like an i-pod, or whatever you’d call that in 2050. Anyway, Nannymaid made a heroic effort and chased the cute little Mermaid into the direction of the Channel, until the little Mermaid was somewhat out of breath, stopped and asked whassup.

You are navigating in Chinese Waters

You are navigating in Chinese Waters

“You are navigating in Chinese waters”, Nannymaid reprimanded her.

Chinese waters?” The cute Mermaid giggled because she was stupid and didn’t know that any waters are Chinese once Chinese Nannymaids say so and produce ancient Chinese sea maps to prove it, even if the maps are drawn with a ballpen. “Chinese waters? This is the Atlantic, and the national waters closest to here are either Moroccan, Portuguese, Spanish, British, or French!”

Stop giggling,” hissed Nannymaid. “Britain has been a tributary state of our Glorious Empire ever since 1793!”

The ignorant cute Mermaid giggled even harder, and Nannymaid became furious. “This is a very serious situation! What’s hanging around your neck there?!”


Sonar what?

“Oh, that’s an i-pod with some cool music”, replied the little Mermaid. “Want to have a listen?”

“Stay away from me! That isn’t music, that’s sonar equipment. You are spying on our Imperial submarines here!”

OK, children, here I should add for your better understanding that in 2035, in an almost bloodless and very humane coup, a Confucian gang brotherhood had restored the Chinese Empire and enthroned Liu Dehua (刘德华) as the first emperor of the Yellow-Face-Dynasty (黄色脸朝).

Anyway, “sonar what?!”, the cute but stupid Mermaid enquired. She had never done well at theoretical physics in school and didn’t even know how a so-called i-pod works.

Don’t act the fool!“, bellowed Nannymaid. “Follow me to the examination rock!”

There on the rock somewhere within the Eastern Atlantic, without asking further questions, Nannymaid hacked the cute little Mermaid into many ugly, unattractive pieces and sent them back to the Empire in a tupperware box, with the next merchant ship, and in Guangzhou, they used the hamburger mermeat (the remaining bits of the t-shirt and i-pod included) to make baby food of it, because the baby food was still pretty much the same as half a century earlier. Of course, only the mothers who belonged to the Chinese superclass could afford such great quality, while all the other babies had sawdust instead. The maintenance of the Empire came at a price, but the common Chinese people happily paid it. Because like Confucius said, Imperial glory is better than a good individual life, and it doesn’t matter if you are bullied, as long as you are bullied by compatriots, not by foreigners.

And with these words of patrotic encouragement, let’s call it a day, children. Got to weigh anchor fly now.

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Related: U.S. vessel’s Standoff with Chinese Sub ‘Dangerous’, Analyst says, IHT, Mar 12

Related: The Hainan EP-3 Incident and what really happened, JR, Aug 8, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Big China Debate Dinner

Hellooo, Children,

Hello Childrenit’s me again, Hermit, the Taoist Dragonfly with another bit of scientific education for you all. Recently, I attended a big family dinner in a Chinese Restaurant. The family was all German, and there were older people and younger people. Of course, I wasn’t sitting at the table. I had taken a seat in a funny chandelier above the table, enjoying the warm light up there and the silly talk down there.

They were discussing China. One of the elders who was leading the discussion said that you can’t compare China in 2008 with Germany in 1936. (You are too young to know, children, but in 1936, Germany was hosting the Olympics, and at the time, a pretty ugly regime presided over Germany and the Olympics. Some people had made ugly comparisons between the Olympics then, and the Olympics now.)

Noone challenged the elder about the differences between Germany and China, 1936 and 2008, but when he went on saying that China was different, completely different from any other country and with a culture of its own which explained why people with opinions of their own must be confined to house arrest or a Gulag, the younger folks on the table all disagreed. Then most of the elders came to the support of the elder who was so nice about the Chinese political system, and they kept arguing. After all, China was better than America, the elders said, and the stubborn greenhorns disagreed once again.

I’d love to tell you that the elders all loved China. But listen to me, the wise Taoist Dragonfly and Germany expert who knows  those 白头‘s hidden motives: the elders didn’t really like China any better. They didn’t even have an idea about China. Nobody there at dinner table had even been to China.

The only reason why the elders sided with China was that they never lost a war against China.

Sorry, children. But we, the great Chinese people, have no friends. Let’s make the world know that we are all Zhongguoren. Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha, ahahahahahahahahahahahaha. » 

Got to fly now. Stay patriotic, children, and keep your powder dry.

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