Archive for ‘JR Intelligence Unit’

Sunday, October 18, 2009

JR’s Little Riddle

guidance at the grassroots

guidance at the grassroots

If you have become obsessed by the question what the circuit inspection team of the Central Committee of CPC (中央第四巡回检查组) is, Xinhua News Agency is here to answer your question. A circuit inspection team – or, more elegantly translated – a mobile inspection team inspects and guides the in-depth study and practice activities of scientific development (对深入学习实践科学发展观活动进行检查指导).

The Central Mobile Team no. One was in Tianjin from July 29 to 31, for example, and now or recently, the Central Mobile Team no. Four was in Qinghai Province (青海省), lead by Zhang Weiqing and Mao Linkun (毛林坤). They also went to the grassroots there (i. e. to the city of Ledu (乐都) to inspect and guide the situation of the implementation of study and practice activities (深入基层指导检查学习实践活动的开展情况).

But why did one of the participants (to the right) in the activity disappear behind his papers? See for yourselves:

raising his documents

he's raising his documents

keeping them raised

and keeps them raised

invisible

so that he's almost invisible

But what does this mean?

Is he too modest to appear on television?
Does his wife suppose him to be somewhere else?
Is his family unaware of his party membership?
Is he blowing his nose with the documents?

Please send your assumptions, rumors, and state secrets to

The JR Intelligence Service
Human Motivation Search Department
duibudui@hotmail.de

Thank you for your cooperation. The best answer might get a prize, if JR is in the mood.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

JR’s China Backgrounder

Urumqi If you are wondering why visiting leaders from Beijing rarely stay in Xinjiang for longer than 24 hours these days, it may actually be for security reasons. Le Courrier du Vietnam reports that Xinjiang Train Station Police announced baggage controls on train stations for the security of passengers and cargo. The following measures took effect on July 30, and will remain in force until the end of the national holidays in October:

– instruments containing flat springs (if JR translated des lames correctly) are banned
– the amount of nail polish will be limited to 20 milliliters
– the amount of hair dyeing lotion will be limited to the same quantity
– and the same applies for any other kind of cosmetic liquid.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Wanted: The Monumental Patriotic Hacker

Dear Netizens:

the Justrecently Intelligence Unit needs your help. Which of these two idiots Monumental Hackers is Lao Jun?

Cyberspy versus Cyberspy

Which one is LAO JUN?

Please click on the picture to get a bigger version. And don’t for get to write an E-mail to duibudui@hotmail.de and let the JIU know the relevant information. Thanks for your cooperation.

________

Related: Serve your Country – Become a Network Security Adviser, July 31, 2009

Thursday, July 23, 2009

JR Intelligence: False Heads, New Clues?

Jakarta – The JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) believes that the two heads found on the site of the July 16 Jakarta bombings are in fact the replicas of two old Chinese replicas. Hermit’s theory is that World Uighur Congress agents stole them while they were on their way to Beijing by post, sent by JR in exchange for his letters which had gone missing in China during the past two decades.

Hermit’s theory is now under investigation by the JIU, but if it holds water, Rebiya Kadeer should be very afraid! Because it would be even more proof, in addition to already overwhelming proof, that the World Uyghur Congress and the Dailai are engaging in splittist and terrorist activities!

The JR Intelligence Unit has always doubted that the two heads should belong to the perpetrators. After all, how could those terrorists do forty virgins on the other side of the cupboard if they are all heads only? Therefore, Hermit’s theory makes perfect sense. Be afraid, Ms Kadeer! Be very afraid!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Standing Committee’s Erdoğan Minutes

Beijing — The situation in Xinjiang is very calm, and everything is under control. You are asking for proof? Here it is: the entire polit bureau has left Beijing for their Beidaihe vacation resort, and entrusted the standing committee’s work to the three stooges Good Ganbu (acting chairman), Net Nanny (censorship and information), and Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly (scientific and technical support). All you currently see on television about Mr Hu, Uncle Wen & the rest of the Collective Leadership is in fact archived material – the sessions look all the same anyway.

The vacation replacement standing committee released this report on Wednesday, and they met again this morning. As usual, the JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) has all the details.

Revolutionaries are always innocent

writes poems

censorship and information

censorship and information

scientific and technical support

scientific and technical support

______________________
Nanny [reading a porn magazine from California, mutters to herself]: This is sick! One really has to force oneself to look at it.

Hermit [enters the room, yells]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!

Nanny [leaps to her feet and raises her fist, yells]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!

Hermit: How’s your Green Dam project going?

Nanny: Shut up, ****tard! You’ve ****** it all up!

Hermit [snickers]: How can I **** it up when I’m not even involved in the project? Your viglilance is commendable, comrade Nanny – but you are playing your cards too close to your chest. If you understood the concept of collective leadership, this wouldn’t have happened…. Oh, nice book you’re reading there. Luo Guanzhong again, huh?

Nanny [blushes]: Bullshit. I need to maintain continuous vigilance. Enemies of the Chinese people smuggled this into Kashgar to weaken the morals of our troops there!

Hermit: Bloody amateurs. Probably the World Uighur Congress all over again. Remember how we made the U.S. Marines talk?

Nanny: Yeah! Long live the beautiful daughters of our motherland who sacrificed themselves and went to bed with those barbarians to pick their brains!

Hermit: Indeed. That Ms Li in particular was sweet. Where is she now?

Nanny: Dunno. We made her an olympic athlete later on, and she became as big as a tank, but she failed. Became useless. Lost sight of her.

Hermit: I see. Oh, here comes our acting chairman!

Hermit, Nanny [leap to their feet and scream at the top of their voices]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!!!!!

Ganbu [mutters]: Shik-shik-a. Take your seats and make yourselves comfortable. After all, it’s summer. Nanny, you have read this terrible magazine completely? Ni xin ku le!

Nanny: It’s my duty, comrade chairman. How was your night?

Ganbu: Wrote poems and read them all night through.

Nanny [whispers to Hermit]: Now, this is what I call a real chairman! Wish all those amateurs would stay in Beidaihe forever!

Ganbu [frowns]: Don’t whisper. The outside world is in turmoil. We need to trust each other. No cliques here.

Nanny [impressed and slightly ashamed]: Aye, aye, chairman.

Hermit: Who’ll keep the minutes?

Ganbu [sighs]: Me, of course. Only ganbus can take correct care of the records and edit them later, depending on a new situation. It’s a heavy burden. Anyway. As I said already, a very tiny minority of what is under heaven is in turmoil. And it’s no longer only Xinjiang. Another Turkestan clique is raising its ugly imperialist and arrogant head. They have a so-called prime minister, they belong to an imperialist military and political clique of imperialist, rotten and pornographic nations, and [….]

[He is referring to the Republic of Turkey and NATO. In short, the acting chairman is briefing the vacation replacement standing committee about all the latest developments.]

Nanny: What’s the name of that so-called prime minister?

Ganbu [tries hard to remember]: Well… he’s a guy with a mustache…

Hermit [whispers to him]: Erdoğan.

Ganbu: Ah, yes. Thanks, comrade Hermit. His name is Erdoğan. Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

Nanny: Any dossiers?

[Hermit goes to his notebook, surfs to the latest Global Times edition to beam it on the wall.]

Ganbu: Wow! Ain’t science something! Thanks, comrade Hermit.

Hermit: No need to thank a comrade for merely performing his duties.

Ganbu [turns to Nanny]: He’s always got his stuff ready, Nanny. When I’m thinking about the slow progress your Green Dam project is making…

[Nanny lowers her head, but manages to give Hermit a glance of concentrated hate nevertheless.]

Ganbu: Don’t be evil angry, comrade Nanny. Just keep cultivating your good work further. You wouldn’t have been chosen to sit in for three standing committee members if your work wasn’t 60 per cent good, and only 40 per cent bad…

Nanny [in a bitter tone]: that doesn’t sound like positive feedback to me…

Ganbu: Oh, cheer up, comrade Nanny! You need to be politically correct! The party can’t give you better marks than it gave to Chairman Mao, can it?

Nanny: OK, OK… [in a sudden fit of rage]: Hrrrrgggch!!! What did that decadent dwarf with a mustache say?! Genocide?! He probably can’t even eat Kurds with chopsticks!

Hermit: My sources say that he can’t… He’s just a sore loser. Unfortunately, he has some influence as a so-called…

Ganbu: Keep cool, comrades, keep cool. It’s true – the rotten Qing Dynasty’s performance was lousy. They failed to recover our glorious motherland’s territory in its entirety. That so-called Republic of Turkey remains unfinished business. But that can’t be helped at the moment. Cool heads, please!

Hermit: But there is still something we can learn from the rotten Qing Dynasty after all…

Ganbu, Nanny [staring at Hermit]: WHAT?!

Hermit: They almost managed to kidnap Sun Yixian [Sun Yat-sen] while he was in London…

Ganbu, Nanny: Aaaah!

Ganbu [after a moment of thought]: but this could lead to a lot of so-called “international” complications!

Hermit: That depends. Let’s assume there’s a Patriotic Front for the Return to the Chinese Motherland in that so-called Republic of Turkey

Nanny: Hehe! You are too naive, comrade Hermit! Of course, the masses there are longing for their return to the motherland! But they aren’t as organized as you seem to believe!

Ganbu: Just as we can adjust the records as needed, so can we adjust reality in so-called Turkey. Of course, this angry article in the Global Times wasn’t helpful, comrade Nanny. It reveals too much of our rightful indignation to the outside world. You should have clipped it in time. But we can still act. Hermit, you will form a working group on how to get that so-called prime minister here to Beijing. Don’t forget to study the records of the Qing records and make sure you understand what went wrong with the arrest of Sun Yixian.

Hermit: And let’s not lose sight of the bigger picture. There is still a very small minority of hostile forces in so-called Turkey.

Ganbu: OK. Anything else?

Hermit: The Western media are very hostile, as usual. Such as this ugly piece here…

Ganbu: That dirty piece isn’t equating Xinjiang and Mr Schnitzel’s family life, is it?!

Hermit: I’m afraid it is, comrade chairman…

Ganbu [bristles with anger]: Stuff about a criminal father who didn’t adhere to the one-child policy! This is the limit!

Nanny: Anyway, the Fifty-Cent party is doing all it can to neutralize the harmful effects of such dirty botches.

Ganbu: Keep up the good work. And comrade Hermit, if you find some maps in the Qing archives which prove our rightful ownership of Kazakhstan, bring it with you tomorrow, too. See you then – same place, same time. Shik-shik-a.

Hermit, Nanny: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Mr Schnitzel discusses his Family Life

Harmonius Schnitzel was born in 1928. He is married with Innocentia Schnitzel, né Loyalpatriot, and has a daughter named Heidemarie who was born in 1965. In 1978, he built a complete flat into a basement which wasn’t included on any blueprint of his and his wife’s house, and unknown even to his wife. He locked Heidemarie into the basement in 1979, secured it with power lines which would kill anyone who tried to enter or leave the place without typing a complicated code into a switchboard first, and advised his wife that Heidemarie “had joined an evil cult” which didn’t respect the loving and respectful relationship between children and their parents. The fictional evil cult forbade Heidemarie to remain in contact with them, he told his wife, and Heidemarie had therefore left them without leaving an address or a phone number. Harmonius Schnitzel also faked some letters in which Heidemarie “bade her parents farewell forever”.

In the course of over twenty years, Harmonius Schnitzel had an incestuous relationship with his daughter in the basement and became the father of two children with her. The basement was detected and he was arrested in 2001, and Harmonius Schnitzel subsequently sentenced to sixty years in prison.

Mr Schnitzel reads as many newspapers as he can, because he is a very opinionated man with a great interest in politics. Recently, he subscribed to the newly created English edition of the Global Times, a Chinese newspaper. Becoming a very faithful and regular reader, he began to view his prison sentence from a new perspective.

This morning, he had a discussion with his lawyer. The JR intelligence Unit bugged the visiting room, and the following is a transcript of Mr Schnitzel’s discussion with his lawyer, Mr Schickedanz.

__________

Schnitzel: You are late, Mr Schickedanz!
Schickedanz:  I’m very busy lately. Very sorry. When I heard that you had some new ideas to counter the injustices you have suffered, I immediately suspended a case in Klagenfurt and rushed back to Vienna.
Schnitzel: Smart decision. You will be thrilled by the case I’m going to make.
Schickedanz: Ah, OK. Please tell me!
Schnitzel [unfolds a very recent Global Times edition]: Have you heard about the riots in Xinjiang?
Schickedanz: Yes, I overheard some of it… they were reporting something on the radio while I was diving here.
Schnitzel: Now, tell me, aren’t these Uighurs ungrateful suckers?
Schickedanz: Well… hehe. You know, I’m not as well informed as you are. But then, I don’t have as much time as you have to study the news.
Schnitzel: You should. China is the future. You should base some of your career on the coming of the Great China.
Schickedanz: Well, yea, maybe. But then, I’m 59 years old now, and I’m not planning to work until my dying day. My wife and I are going to buy a caravan and travel Italy for the rest of our lives. Dolce vita after a hard working life, you know. Hehe.
Schnitzel [sobs]: How cruel of you! You know exactly how many years they gave me in prison! How can you talk about dolce vita to a man who suffered a grave injustice, and may never see the light of the day again, if it is up to those hostile buggers at prosecution office, and that idiot of a judge who got me here?
Schickedanz [with a somewhat impatient frown]: Mr Schnitzel, with all due respect – you are here because you locked away your daughter who wouldn’t have seen the light of the day for the rest of her life if it had been up to you, and abused and raped her countless times! Don’t pity yourself.
Schnitzel: You lawyers are all the same – prosecutors, judges, defenders. You all work for the same unjust system and twist your brains to come to the weirdest and most unrealistic conclusions. I’m getting impatient with you. But anyway. Do you want to hear the case I’m going to make or not?
Schickedanz:  Sure. As I said, no path was too long for me to come here as fast as I could. Your ideas always amaze me.
Schnitzel: OK. You know, my daughter was actually a very dangerous terrorist. If I hadn’t been tough with her as a father, society would have faced a very, very grave threat.
Schickedanz: [unobtrusively rolls his eyes, then takes an ostentatiously attentive facial expression]: A terrorist? Can you explain further?
Schnitzel: You lawyers know every letter out of every fuckin’ para of the law, but when something is as clear as the day, you have no idea and confuse everything…
Schickedanz: Mr Schnitzel, please! You are looking at things from your perspective, and I’m looking at them from mine. It’s my profession. As much sense as your points may make, they need to be translated into something that make sense to a court, too!
Schnitzel: Hehe, well said, Mr Schickedanz! That’s really the heart of the matter! Anyway. Once upon a time, umm, when Heidemarie hadn’t yet been influenced by bad ideas such as the 1968 anarchists and so on, me, my wife, and her, lived happily together. But there were external forces with no respect for family life and the integrity of family life, and in school, and in her tennis club, and so on, Heidemarie acquired strange and dangerous ideas. All of a sudden, she would reject her father’s love and attention for her, and she became more and more radical and dangerous in her views. Be assured: she would have torched a fiaker very soon, with all the people and horses!
Schickedanz [sighs]: I think I understand, Mr Schnitzel. That’s why you locked her away and shagged her in a basement, rather than in the living room as you did before, right?
Schnitzel [slightly uneasy]: Yes. She needed a lesson, so to speak.
Schickedanz: Hang on– you locked her away for more than two decades and did something to her which is neither legal nor morally acceptable! She went through hell– for more than twenty years!
Schnitzel: Why, she loved it! She needed it, not I. A father can always tell what his children need without their asking!
Schickedanz: Is that why you put the high-voltage powerlines into the armored doors which would have killed her at the first attempt of getting out?
Schnitzel: You lawyers are freaks! You really don’t get it, right?
Schickedanz: Frankly, no.
Schnitzel: Well, obviously, the power lines were in the door to protect her.
Schickedanz: Huh?
Schnitzel: You know, there had been so many external hostile forces who tried to destroy our happy and peaceful family life… [his voice breaks for a moment] … a responsible man has to protect his family.
Schickedanz: Nothing personal, Mr Schnitzel. But as you said, lawyers have their own ideas. And as I said, we need to find a formula which will be comprehensible for the judges.
Schnitzel: You think this won’t do?
Schickedanz: I’m afraid not, Mr Schnitzel. But let’s continue. Rome wasn’t built in a day. There was your daughter, in a basement, right under the feet of her clueless mother. Your wife suffered, because she thought that her daughter didn’t respect her and had run away with an evil cult…
Schnitzel: I know! It was so tough for all of us! It broke my heart! But you see, in the end the story I told my wife was actually true. Heidemarie didn’t respect her mother, just as she didn’t respect her father. I kind of tuned the whole story a bit, sure, but at its core, it was a true story. She had lost all her respect for her parents. Daughters who don’t respect their parents don’t respect themselves either and lend their ear to all kinds of evil freaks who try to spoil them. That’s my theory, you know…
Schickedanz: OK…  then there were the two children you had with your daughter. They grew up, they became teenagers, they were fifteen and thirteen respectively when they came out of the basement and saw the light of the day for the first time in their lives… And their father was at the same time their grandfather. Their lives are pretty damaged, to put it carefully, even now, eight years on. It’s hard to see how this can ever be healed somehow.
Schnitzel: But that was the fault of our enemies! It’s because of them that I had to build the flat in the basement and protect Heidemarie there!
Schickedanz: Mr Schnitzel! Your enemies are one thing. What you do is another. Don’t you understand that there are limits to what you can do to your children, even if you believe it was the right thing to do? And can’t you see that it wreaked havoc on the lives of five people – your daughter’s, her children…
Schnitzel [angrily]: Our children, Mr Schickedanz – they are my children, too. Those ungrateful brats haven’t shown up even once here to see me so far, and nor has Heidemarie. There you can see what a bad effect life outside the basement is having on them!
Schickedanz: Let me finish: your daughter, her children, your wife, and yourself. Mr Schnitzel, sorry to tell you, but this case you are planning to make won’t convince anyone. Not even close.
Schnitzel [whiny]: I knew you’re a failure, asshole! You have no idea! But I can tell you one thing:  I’ll find a lawyer who knows his profession, and who has moral principles. And once I’m out of here, I’d be  very careful if I were you! I don’t like people who are moral failures! You are underestimating me. Italy won’t be sufficiently far away for you to be safe. If I were you, I’d consider Canada’s Northern Territories.
Schickedanz: Good luck, Mr Schnitzel, and Goodbye.
Schnitzel: Guards!!! Arrest this bugger!!! He’s no lawyer, he’s a terrorist! I’ve just found out!!! I’m going to testify against him right away!!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Graduates Spread Scientific Knowledge in the Countryside

China Radio International tells us that now there is a new choice for college graduates: going to the countryside. As the graduates are very skilled people, they do not only give the villagers good and accurate technical advice in the professional field – they even help to mediate conflicts among villagers to create a harmonious atmosphere!

OK. But it isn’t all perfectly harmonious. The JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) tapped into a telephone line which is usually only used by Net Nanny, and spied on the following phone conversation between young Xiao Gongzhu (小公主), who went to the countryside as a junior ganbu *) and complained bitterly to her Daddy (大的). Here goes.

Four Modernizations: Our Countryside is already very Modern.

Four Modernizations: Our Countryside is already very Modern.

Xiao Gongzhu: When I held the spade by its blade, those stinking villagers who know nothing laughed at me!

Dad: Oh, Xiao Gongzhu ! That’s no tragedy! You can learn from them, too! It’s no one-way street. Chairman Mao said that cadres are only good cadres when they are ready to learn from…

Xiao Gongzhu: And when I broke off one of my high heels in a molehill, they laughed at me, too!

Dad: I know how you love your high heels, my princess. But let me tell you from my experience when Chairman Mao sent us to the countryside long ago – high heels are very unpractical there! That’s something for you to learn, too!

Xiao Gongzhu: And they call me tuifei **)! And they never brush their teeth! I want to be back in Shanghai and work for an investment bank! Or for a company with investment from Hong Kong or Taiwan compatriots! [*sob*]

Dad: Now, now, my little princess! You have to endure! Endurance is the first and finest characteristics of our great nation!

Xiao Gongzhu: I hate it! It is one thing to have to work with dirty bazi ***), but…

Dad: Shush, shush, my little princess

Xiao Gongzhu: and don’t call me little princess again before you admit that this work is far below my status!

Dad: But can’t you see that the socialist motherland needs you in the countryside? OK, the peasants are uneducated… But once they develop and broaden their mind under your wise and scientific leadership, you will build a beautiful socialist countryside together! And later, you can build a great ganbu career on their backs. They are much easier to handle than urban folks like you. I can tell! [*snickers*]

Xiao Gongzhu: I already hate this job!

Dad: Besides, the provincial government pays for your social insurance! We are very lucky! Not every student’s work in the countryside is so carefully planned and financially well-founded as yours! If you weren’t there, your Daddy would have to collect more bribes! And that has become a bit dangerous recently! You don’t want your Daddy to be shot dead in a sports stadium, do you?

Xiao Gongzhu: If you loved me, you’d take the risk!

Dad [with a much less tender voice than before]: Listen, stupid brat! If you don’t stop complaining immediately and go to your work and rebuild the socialist countryside in seven days, I’ll pass you on to your Mom, OK?

Xiao Gongzhu [whispers]: Oh, please don’t, my dearest Daddy! I will be very studious and selfless and diligent and make this countryside a beautiful garden, and I will listen to the ba… the peasants very carefully. Science is no one-way street. Long live chairman Mao…

Dad: This is smart. This is how I love my little princess. I’ll send you some red gumboots by speedpost. Take care, my little princess!

______________________

*) ganbu = cadre

**) tuifei = decadent

***) bazi = derogatory for farmer, peasant

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

British PM writes to Chinese PM

troubled and angered

troubled and angered

This morning, British prime minister Leonid Brezhnev Gordon Brown wrote a confidential letter to Chinese prime minister Wen Jiabao about the shoe incident.

JR’s intelligence unit intercepted the message, and here it is.

_____________

FM: Downing Street 10, London. SW1A 2AA, Gordon Brown, H. M.’s Prime Minister

To: H. E. Wen Jiabao, General Li of the PRC’s State Council

Your Excellency

Her Majesty, me, and the British people are deeply troubled and angered by the sinister shoe attack against Your Excellency by a German individual. Our Royal Inquisition has now established the identity of the rotten fenzi which did that to us. It’s an individual named Martin Jahnke. He’s still in denial, but our Inquisition will take thorough care of him. I should have been able to tell from his funny accent before that it was a Kraut. He was a very, very, very isolated sick element.

too kind

too kind

Sorry, but I can’t act in accordance with your request and be lenient with *** **** *** ************ *** **. You are too kind. We will hand it over to the Nyima Cering under an Extraordinary Rendition scheme and not to you because you are too-nice-an-uncle. We are confident that the Nyama Cering & Company will, under their high degree of Chinese Tibetan autonomy, take thorough care of the individual if our Inquisistion doesn’t finish him already. And in the unlikely case that it wasn’t him after all, who cares. This matter is too grave to split hairs.

Meantime, we will send you the shoe so that you can benchmark its technology, as you have requested. Glad to let you have it.

Sorry, sorry, sorry forever. Sorry also for the Opium Wars. And for the rain during your visit. Deeply sorry. Please forgive us. You are too kind.

Yours truly

G. B.

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