Archive for ‘JR Intelligence Unit’

Friday, December 14, 2012

Intelligence: the Latest about Xi Jinping Pingping

Xi Jinping is working hard, the (Sina Weibo) Learning from Xi Fan Club informed this morning local time.


The grassroot fans may know everything about Xi’s southern-inspection itinerary (before Xinhua does).

But that hasn’t made JR’s Intelligence Unit obsolete. Look at this underwater picture of the supernatural-power whalefish secretary general, splashing the waves near the Senkaku Islands at four this morning (December 14, local time):


Xi Jinping Pingping – so together with the people!

The Qianlong Emperor’s Southern Inspection Tour, Scroll Twelve (detail): Return to the Palace

The Qianlong Emperor’s Southern Inspection Tour, Scroll Twelve (detail): Return to the Palace (Wikimedia / Palace Museum, Beijing – click on the picture for source)

OK. More together than that, anyway.



People who are reading this may also be interested in



» 习近平新南巡和挺习“粉丝团”, BBC News, Dec 13, 2012


Thursday, September 13, 2012

From JR’s Intelligence Unit: Xi Jinping’s embarrassing Ailment revealed

Roger Cavazos of Sino-NK came pretty close to the truth, regarding the reason for Xi Jinping’s absence, but it was still speculation. One of his scenarios: a minor medical issue.

This is a best-case scenario.  Everything remains basically the same; Xi just doesn’t want to come out while he’s still looking Quasimodo-ish.

Well, Roger, that’s not too far off the mark, but it’s still speculation, and you even added three more scenarios, which are all wrong.

Xi Jinping: more than he could chew.

Xi Jinping: more than he could chew.

The JR Intelligence Unit (JIU), the world’s reference point which only reports once there is something to report, has learned from usually well-informed sources that Xi spent his Sunday afternoon (September 2) at his desk as usual, doing extra hours to serve the people, with a bag of pretzels next to him. He then fainted, and his face hit the desk.

Now, China is a highly face-aware country. To be “transparent” about the brusies isn’t advisable. What adds to the humiliation is that he brand he had on his table was Snyder’s of Hanover, i. e. America‘s pretzel. Don’t open that can of worms to the public.

“As usual, his wife had instructed the attendant on duty that afternoon to serve her husband mantou and dim sun”, one of the sources said.

And as usual, Xi Jinping (there are a few foreigners, with full bellies, who have nothing better to do than try to point fingers at our country”) had stuffed the mantous and dim sum into his desk’s top-left drawer and retrieved another bag of pretzels from one drawer further down.

“He’s kind of messy”, the usually well-informed source confided.

You don’t buy that? Next time you see Xi (on Huang Rong‘s funeral, for example), offer him an American pretzel and watch his obvious discomfort.



» Previous JIU revelations

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Bo Xilai planned the Third World War

OK, maybe not. But he (or Wang Lijun, or whoever) wiretapped everyone, up to the collective leader Hu Jintao himself, “nearly half a dozen” (i. e. 5.9, I guess?) CCP officials people with party ties claim, as quoted by the New York Times. And the British government is soooo happy that the rule of law applies in China, and that the Heywood case is re-investigated. OK, not quite that, either – he welcomes Neil Heywood death investigation.

My theory is that Bo Xilai shagged Sarah Palin, conspired with the Nazis on the dark side of the moon, and that they will soon abduct him so that he can’t reveal their schemes.

We will never see Bo Xilai again. That’s almost for sure.

Extraordinary rendition: JR Intelligence Unit spotted Bo in Syria.

Update - Update - Update: JR Intelligence Unit spotted Bo in Syria in what appears to be an extraordinary rendition arrangement between Beijing and Damascus.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Taiwan: Just another Day in the KMT Archives

Special Investigation: Another Day in the KMT Archives

Special Investigation: Another Day in the KMT Archives



» Who’s Afraid of an Independent Commission against Corruption, July 2, 2011

» Detective Li, June 30, 2010

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Renault “Spying Scandal”: not so Chinese, not so Spy

French Intelligence

French Intelligence

Noticed ? JR hasn’t  lost a single word about the Renault “spy case” ever since January (or maybe somewhat earlier, who cares), when those  claims became public.

And all that even as you all know that  JR is never shy to say unharmonious things about China. Why wouldn’t he bother to  re-report the “suspicions” that “fell on China”?

Well, after all, he’s a China expert, and a France expert.

JR ‘s Beautiful Blog – the World’s Refe the World’s Reference Point, where you will only find the news that really matters.

L’ Homme du Midi, January 14, 2010

Monday, November 29, 2010

News Just In

nannynewsnannynews — The JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) has learned from Wikileaks that Britain’s Secret Intelligence Service (SIS) is in possession of the true Egyptian election results, and of a dossier that reveals Germany’s collective state of mind (which is decidedly risk-averse).

Monday, January 11, 2010

Net Nanny Relaunched (with more Maikefengs)

Net Nanny was released from jail late last week.  The recording of a telephone conversation, tapped into by the JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) on Thursday, suggests that she had been jailed as a result of a power struggle some two weeks ago. The following is the wording of that extremely sensitive state secret phone conversation which apparently led to her release.

Hermit (yells): Shikezhunbeizhe!

Good Ganbu

Good Ganbu

Good Ganbu: Good morning, Comrade. Did you get the news that Comrade Nanny is in jail?

Hermit: Yes I did. Must be a terrible blow to that conceited ugly crow. But well deserved, anyway.

Good Ganbu: Not so fast, Comrade Hermit…

Hermit: GULP!

Good Ganbu: She didn’t read that Californian porn magazine on a public bus for the whole world to see, right?

Hermit: Hardly so. she never socializes with the masses, that much is true. Maybe she read it in the rear compartment of her Red Flag Review Car. She bought herself one in a silly attempt to look as good as our great chairman, but she isn’t working half as xinku as he does.

Good Ganbu: Actually, she didn’t buy it. Uhm… anyway, only you and I have seen her reading that decadent Californian magazine, right?

Hermit: Uhm… who knows? Someone must have handed it to her, right? What are you up to, revered old comrade? Isn’t my work 65 per cent good, and only 35 per cent bad?

Good Ganbu: Well, yes, but you see, it is still 35 per cent bad. Even excellent scientists like you can make mistakes. Your public and neimu dang’an‘s both inform me that you graduated from Shanzhai Normal University (山寨师范大学), Ledu (乐都), Qinghai province, fifteen years ago. You completed your doctoral thesis there one year later, and became a professor there in 1997.

Hermit the Scholarly Dragonfly

Hermit the Scholarly Dragonfly

Hermit: Of course! It is one of our nation’s most acclaimed universities!

Good Ganbu: Ahem… listen, Comrade: our beloved motherland is developing at an unprecedented speed. The world’s fastest trains take us to many places, and even where their victorious rails end, there are comfortable buses and Red Flag Review Cars which now take us to every corner of our motherland…

Hermit: OK, OK, what do you want, revered old Comrade?

Good Ganbu: Comrade Nanny will be released from jail tomorrow, and I expect no further anonymous letters to reach my office, with evil accusations and rumors, OK? The world is in turm0il, and us Comrades must stand together, and not allow our enemies to…

Hermit: Oh, I would never engage in schemes and …

Good Ganbu: Of course not. By the way, in future public appearances and neimu party seminars, Comrade Nanny will be afforded another maikefeng – you will continue to use only one maikefeng. Bye for now.

More maikefengs for Comrade Nanny restore Harmony and give back face to her.

More maikefengs for Comrade Nanny will restore the Harmony and give back face to her.

Hermit (yells): Shikezhunbeizhe!

[Good ganbu rings off. Hermit starts sobbing uncontrolledly.]

Sunday, October 18, 2009

JR’s Little Riddle

guidance at the grassroots

guidance at the grassroots

If you have become obsessed by the question what the circuit inspection team of the Central Committee of CPC (中央第四巡回检查组) is, Xinhua News Agency is here to answer your question. A circuit inspection team – or, more elegantly translated – a mobile inspection team inspects and guides the in-depth study and practice activities of scientific development (对深入学习实践科学发展观活动进行检查指导).

The Central Mobile Team no. One was in Tianjin from July 29 to 31, for example, and now or recently, the Central Mobile Team no. Four was in Qinghai Province (青海省), lead by Zhang Weiqing and Mao Linkun (毛林坤). They also went to the grassroots there (i. e. to the city of Ledu (乐都) to inspect and guide the situation of the implementation of study and practice activities (深入基层指导检查学习实践活动的开展情况).

But why did one of the participants (to the right) in the activity disappear behind his papers? See for yourselves:

raising his documents

he's raising his documents

keeping them raised

and keeps them raised


so that he's almost invisible

But what does this mean?

Is he too modest to appear on television?
Does his wife suppose him to be somewhere else?
Is his family unaware of his party membership?
Is he blowing his nose with the documents?

Please send your assumptions, rumors, and state secrets to

The JR Intelligence Service
Human Motivation Search Department

Thank you for your cooperation. The best answer might get a prize, if JR is in the mood.

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