Archive for ‘Hermit’

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hermit explains the Economic Crisis

Hello Children,

[This information from an amateur Confucian perspective may be outdated, and is just an amateur’s take, anyway. Don’t count on it.]

Hermit: Hello Children

Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly explains the economic crisis.

if your parents are in a bad mood, maybe it isn’t actually because of you and your stupid questions. Maybe it is because of the economic crisis. What is an economic crisis? An economic crisis means that your parents’ bosses have no money and don’t want to pay them the same amounts of wages anymore and maybe fire them altogether. Then your parents don’t know how to answer your questions about your birthday presents or why you can’t celebrate your birthday at a fast food restaurant with your friends and have to celebrate with a dry pie baked by your Mom instead.

An economic crisis can have a lot of causes, but this one (the one which is why our Dad voted for Obama despite his Golden Ku Klux Clan membership card) is easy to explain, although it is not a short explanation.

The government is the problem, not the solution, they say.

The government is the problem, not the solution, they say.

Lets start with the investment banks. Investment banks created the economic miracle that started when a B-movie star » became president of the United States. Investment banks are here to invent financial instruments that raise capital so that your Daddy’s boss can launch his latest business, or so that your Mom and Dad can build a house with very little money of their own.

Only a bank which doesn’t do what your Mom’s and Dad’s bank does is an investment bank. An investment bank doesn’t necessarily run accounts for people like your Mom and Dad where their bosses remit the monthly wages. Investment banks organise mergers and acquisitions, and raise capital. That’s considered to be  more profitable, as a rule.

And that’s where your Mom and Dad may come into play after all. It doesn’t matter that their money is so small. It can be combined into big flows of money by the investment banks. And such big flows of money can be put into smaller packages again which make it possible for your Mom and Dad to build a house without much (or any) money of their own.

The small packages may be called securities. If your Mom and Dad bought a house and don’t talk much any more, chances are that their house is part of an asset that backs up an asset-backed security. A now very famous kind of asset-backed security is named Collateralized Debt Obligation or simply CDO.

A CDO is based on a portfolio of loans (like loans to your Mom and Dad to buy their house). Tons of such loans or maybe less are packed into one portfolio. Now, a portfolio looks a bit like the dry pie baked by your mom. It’s a bit like this one. But it is more colorful or diverse. Think of it as just as round, but made up of many different pie slices of different colors and sizes and properties (some with strawberries, some with cheese, some with beef, for example). Every slice is a different loan to some couples like your parents who use the loan to buy and finance their house.

The portfolio and the securities from it are the stuff that investors may be interested in. Investors aren’t necessarily huge business people, but rather, they are people who have some money left for experiments, or people who think that “security” means secure. The securities are the little pieces of paper that tell the investor how much money he will get if he buys this piece of paper and if everything goes according to plan.

OK. Then there is your Mom’s and Dad’s house (the asset), then the portfolio the loan your Mom and Dad took for the house is part of, and the picture also shows you the blokes who bought the Collateral Damage… erm… Collateral Debt Obligation which, as I said earlier, is an asset-backed security. And the asset may be your Mom’s and Dad’s house, for example. In an indirect way you could say that the investors are your Mom’s and Dad’s creditors. Of course, the investment bank is between the creditors and your Mom and Dad. Your parents and the investors will probably never meet in person.

OK. One of the investors may be a retired American. He has no clue about the system, thinks that “securities” comes from “secure”, but at least he bought first class securities (also referred to as senior tranches). A rating agency (there are people working there who people expect to know what is good and bad) has rated them AAA which means “very good”. That plus “security” sounds very reassuring to our admiral.

People outside America can buy CDOs too, of course. Let’s just assume that Net Nanny is a bit corrupted by money and is an investor too. Haha, just an example! She wants to be on the safe side too but is less connected in and informed about America. So “security” sounds good enough to her. So she gets a mezzanine tranche, that is a security rated AA to BB which isn’t as safe as AAA. On the other hand, she gets a premium which is bigger than the AAA, because her risk is bigger, too, that too much of the loans making up the portfolio will not be repaid by your Mom and Dad. Of course, if it goes wrong, she gets nothing. In a situation where AAA investors still get their money because only a certain share of loans goes bust, the AAAs may get their money, and she gets nothing. Anyway, she’s in jail now.

Then come people like Forrest Gump or Lei Feng or me, because someone has to be the most likely loser. On the other hand, if an unexpectedly small amount of loans remains un-re-paid and the interests payments by your Mom and Dad also come in as planned (or more or less so), we might actually be big winners, because our premium for taking the risk is so high!

In such a case, Forrest Gump will become a very rich man and build his girl a big house without taking a loan himself at all, and they’ll go on a luxurious journey around the world, and here in China, Net Nanny would have cashed in on her security just to threaten Lei Feng and me with her high position and high connections and take care of our money too, and we would be the losers anyway – but the bottom line is that our motherland’s economy as a whole will be richer than before anyway.

Unfortunately, it all went wrong. The Americans should have watched out, rather than hurting our economy. The Americans hurt the feelings of many Germans, too. Now they fear that they can’t trust their banks if they offer them 30 per cent returns on their investment. Isn’t that terrible?

That much for today, children. Tune in again next time when I explain how even Net Nanny could have been fooled by the bloody Americans. Got to fly now. Stay patriotic.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Excerpts from Hermit’s Memoirs: “My first Chinese American Pizza”

Bremen — As we all know, China was subjected to a century-and-a-half of humiliation and cruelty at the hands of the Western imperialist forces. There are many small stories of Chinese individual fates which add up to the big historical picture, and Hermit, a well-known Taoist scientist and expert on Western imperialism and its everlasting snaky schemes, has some stories to share, concerning the more recent history. The following are excerpts from his memoirs (to be published in 2010), and in the following episode, he remembers his years of hardship as a student in Northern Germany, probably somewhere around 1990.

click here for the BIG pictureUnce Upon a Time in Bremen-Hemelingen: Hermit's Chinese American Pizza

Unce Upon a Time in Bremen-Hemelingen: Hermit's Chinese American Pizza

Once upon a time in Bremen-Hemelingen, when I was a student of natural sciences in Germany, I opened a pizza parlor with some compatriot classmates. We called our pizza the Chinese American Pizza, but those stupid German passer-bys only looked at our big billboard and laughed in a silly way. When our market research team asked them why they were laughing, they said that American Pizza was just American Pizza, and that it was as simple as that.

We made the earnest representation to them that pizza was Italian before it was American, and that the Americans only stole it, and that it was silly to say that American pizza was hotter than Italian pizza or the original Chinese Pizza (invented in 2749 before 1949). It was only because of America’s so-called soft power that they, the Germans, found American pizza cooler than Italian or Chinese American pizza. But despite our patience and endurance, our representations didn’t really sink in. *)

So after a while, we started selling noodle soup and fried rice instead, which worked much better. For the time being, we had to live with that typically German bias. Their limits on our products were also typical examples for their slave mentality which became rampant after the Americans had won the war against them. As there are also some racist restrictions on Chinese students who want to run a business in Germany, we used a Germany-born Chinese dummy, and it worked alright.

But once the soft power of our motherland has grown to its due strength, we will come back to Bremen-Hemelingen and open a Chinese American Pizza parlor there.

Or a Chinese American Italian Pizza Parlor. Or a Chinese Italian Pizza Parlor, because America won’t count anymore. Or a Chinese Pizza Parlor. It will depend on our market research.


*) The background behind their narrow-mindedness was of course obvious. If they had admitted that American Pizza is really Chinese American Pizza, they would have had to admit that Taipei is really Chinese Taipei, too! Germans are very logical people, but they are particularly “logical” (in a perverted way) when they are trying to maintain their anti-Chinese bias!


Hermit’s Memoirs (Working Title: A Patriotic Student Travels the World) will be published by the Central Government Document Publishing House late next year. In accordance with the CCP’s Historical Resolution, the publishing will be done in accordance with The Historical Resolution, they won’t be published overseas, and these excerpts will appear exclusively on JR’s Beautiful Blog.


Hermit’s Childhood and the Beautiful Stone, July 27, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hermit: Languages of the World in the Light of the Coming of the Great China. Lesson 1: Swedish

Hello Children,

Hermit the Harmonious Dragonfly

Hermit the Harmonious Dragonfly: Hej Kinakännaren

even in places as remote as a country named Sweden, a barbarian country in the back of beyond which to my knowledge never had tributary relations with us, there are now China experts (中国专家 or 中国通). They are usually referred to as

kinakänna ren

in that place. kina känna ren is indeed Swedish and translates China knowing people.

But some bad elements in Sweden may also translate kinakänna ren as Panda-Huggers School or jättepanda kram ren (拥抱熊猫派). Of course, in our much older language, we would rather call them han jian (汉奸), if they weren’t in fact kina känna ren.


Related: What lies between Chinese Writers and the Nobel Prize, or Sweden is Eurocentrist, Fools Mountain, October 20, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Hermit: Mid-Autum Festival must remind us of the Need for a Harmonious Planetary Configuration

Hello Children,

Hermit hte Taoist Dragonfly: Mid-Autum Festival must remind us of the Need for a Harmonious Planetary Configuration

Hermit hte Taoist Dragonfly: Mid-Autum Festival must remind us of the Need for a Harmonious Planetary Configuration

it is very important to remember our culture, so in case you have forgotten this over our festive celebrations of our Celestial Kingdom sixty years ago, on Saturday, there was also the Mid-Autumn Festival (中秋節), the true meaning of which is closely connected with our current festive celebrations.

In our country, nothing happens co-incidentally, as you know. There is a ten-thousand-year-old culture in our country, and consequently, there is a ten-thousand-year-old legend to the Mid-Autumn Festival, too.

Once upon a time, the earth had ten suns. Of course, ten suns are very unnatural. They destroyed the crops and did something to people which made them unable to have children. But a heroic archer shot down the nine fake suns, and only left the real sun in the skies, and thus restored the harmony, and saved the earth. (The archer was very heroic indeed, but to be objective and scientific, let’s also remember that he didn’t always take his pills in time.)

The real sun, of course, emblematizes our Peoples’ Republic of China.

Did you know that there are also fake China’s?

Indeed there are! One calls itself the Republic of China, a country with a silly flag. It even claims to have a so-called “president”.

Even worse, there is another sun which doesn’t even claim to be a fake China, even though it is in fact a fake China! It wants to be a Republic of Taiwan. Of course, both these fake suns are in fact the same renegade province which we hold very dear in our hearts, and we will do them no harm, if they correct their incorrect and unnatural ways by themselves.

The most shanzhai China however is a certain Federal Republic of China. A splittist element, a certain Yan Jiaqi (嚴家其), is advocating this hostile concept. This, dear children, is like if you bomb the sun and leave it in the skies as a fragmented ball of broken fiery pieces, which start floating away from each other like Chang’e (嫦娥) floated away, but without stopping at the moon. Imagine the sun floating around the earth in many broken pieces, so that our mandarins ganbus have to live in broad daylight 24 hours a day! No dark for dark business any more! Where would that leave our ten-thousand-year-old culture and tradition? Things would become very unharmonious!

So we are celebrating the successful eclipse of most of the fake suns, which happened sixty years ago. But the Mid-Autumn Festival this year also reminds us that the business is still unfinished, and that even the eclipses already achieved won’t last without our unyielding patriotic efforts!

Let’s strive for a harmonious planetary configuration at an earlier date! Shikezhunbeizhe!

Got to float fly now, children. Stay harmonious and patriotic, and never forget our then-thousand-year-old culture.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Hermit’s Confucian Cable Tree

Hello Children,

Express Yourself

Expressing Something

maybe you have watched news broadcasts on television before, and seen that there are sometimes people with chopsticks in front of their faces. Those chopsticks are in fact maikefengs. A maikefeng (麦克风) is basically an electric chopstick which converts sound into an electric signal. Somewhere at the end of the cable of the maikefeng, there is a processor (like in the computer where you play the People’s Liberation Army Games), and on the other side of that processor, the electric signal goes into a loudspeaker which can be next to the maikefeng, but also thousands of miles away, inside your television set.

Maybe sometimes, you also see that there are more than only one maikefeng. Especially alien barbarians sometimes don’t understand that. They may even ask why the important personality on television has more than one maikefeng in front of him, while everything goes through the same media channel anyway. Of course, only clueless barbarians can ask such silly questions. Of course, the number of maikefengs actually emblematizes the respect we owe to the important personality.

Let me give you an example. When I speak to the masses, I only use one maikefeng, because I’m not so high-ranking. Besides, our country is Confucian, and by using only one maikefeng, I’m showing how humble and modest I am. (Of course, when I’m Taoist at night, I’m dreaming of being Qinshihuang, with tons of maikefengs in front of hisself).

Confucian Cable Tree: The Medium is the Message

Confucian Cable Tree: The Medium is the Message

Then let’s imagine Nanny. First of all, she’s not very modest, but very arrogant instead. That’s the most important reason why her work is only 60 percent good, but 40 percent bad, while my work is already 65 percent good and only 35 percent bad. Only when you can understand the masses, will your work be very fruitful, and your progress be inexorable. But she ranks higher than me, so she will get some three or five maikefengs.

Then there is our Good Ganbu. He’s retired, but still somehow active, and the thankfulness of our rejuvenated motherland appertains to him. So he gets ten or more maikefengs.

So, because our civilization is very old and refined, a maikefeng isn’t just a maikefeng. It actually expresses something. It is no coincidence at all that Chinese Taoists invented the maikefeng fivethousandtwohundredandninetyten years ago.

That much about the maikefeng for today, children. Got to fly now. Stay patriotic, and keep watching Xinwen Lianbo every night, even if your understanding only grows slowly.


Confucian Family Tree Triples, BBC News, September 25, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hermit’s Peace Plan: Give us Afghanistan

Hello World,

Hermit: Hello World

Hermit the Harmonious Taoist Dragonfly: Afghanistan can do Better

president Nicolas Sarkozy of France was once a splittist element, but he has repented, and apart from some inconsistencies, France is now very harmonious. Besides, M. le Président has a refreshing attitude at summits. For the coming G20 summit, Pittsburgh and the US Secret Service have designated two public protest zones, located within sight of the attendees, but they hardly need to see the signs and hear the shouts to know how unhappy many people feel about the damage wrecked by the financial sector last year.

People in Afghanistan are also very unhappy, but not because of the financial sector. It’s because of the damage imperialism is doing to their peaceful country. We are witnessing how the arrogant Western imperialists are running into self-inflicted contradictions. Their candidate with that funny hat won, but some of the usual high-minded idalists, who are in fact people with ulterior motives, are making the usual noises about a few ballot-boxes. That’s stupid, and the confused Western imperialists’ reactions only show how stupid their so-called “democratic” concept is. Their so-called “principles” even lead some of them to forget all moral and loyalty and to stab their own candidate in the back!

The principle of Harmonious Democracy will do better. Hamid Karzai has already  followed our system as far as he could.  However, he was hampered by the so-called international election observers. With our concept of Harmonious Democracy, he wouldn’t have had to do anything, just let the people acclaim him. Of course, our concept allows democratic elections, too, so long as the results are predictable.

As Afghanistan’s harmoniously-democratically elected president leans towards our concept anyway, we suggest that the West cedes its latest colony to us on a 99-year lease. Afghanistan’s and our concepts are entirely and harmoniously compatible. We call on M le Président to support this good plan. We will take good care of the place as a responsible global power, and we undertake this solemn pledge: Should the Afghans be less happy with our collective leadership’s wise and benevolent harmonious leadership than the happy Uyghurs, we will even release Afghanistan into independence in 2108.  Promised (on behalf of the Vacation Replacement Politbureau):


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hermit: Taiwan Loves the Motherland

Hermit the Passionate Patriotic Taoist Dragonfly: Patriotism Knows No Class Background

Hermit the Passionate Patriotic Taoist Dragonfly: Patriotism Knows No Class Background

Hello Children,

the Labor Party (劳动党) in Taiwan is somewhat zuopai, and we would therefore definitely ban it here on the mainland, but its patriotic action in Taiwan is commendable! Today, they took part in ten organizations’ protests outside the headquarters of the DPP in Taipei. They understand the true nature of the invitation of the Dalai to Taiwan, and point out that he has all along been engaged in separatist activities, and only distracts from reconstruction work!

Besides, Ms Ji Xin (纪欣) of the Alliance for the Reunification of China delivered an in-depth analysis and exposed the Dalai’s true nature and the DPP’s political conspiracy! And Wu Rongyuan (吴荣元) of the Labor Party pointed out that reconstruction and Taiwan long-term social stability require political stability, and maintaining cross-straits relations, and peaceful development!

The protest was led by Labor Party’s Secretary-General Tang Shu (唐曙) who let the people know that stories about formaldehyde in emergency homes handed to the needy island of Taiwan by the benevolent CCP was a rumor spread by the DPP [and their willful agent C.A., for that matter] which has made irresponsible remarks (民进党就一直在说三道四)!

From this you see, children, that when such an important matter as the unity of the motherland is at stake, people of very different class backgrounds can come together and foil sinister attempts on our unity.

As Hong Kong Secretary for Constitutional Affairs Stephen Lam said in 2006, after the return to the motherland, Hong Kong’s achievements have gained widespread international recognition!

I’ll leave you with a beautiful story, children. It took the Monkey five hundred years to get smart. But Ms Ji and Mr Comrade Tang and Comrade Wu are already wise, and they are only so young!

Don’t think too much about it. Too much thinking is unhealthy. Just be ambitious, lose no time and become wise at an earlier date.

If you think you can take your time and spend 500 years without your loving compatriots from the mainland, you are dead-wrong.

You better can’t wait. Got to fly now.


“Police gave … Multiple Warnings to Break Up the Illegal Assembly”, Taipei Times, August 30, 2009

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Hermit: Uncle Wen too Kind but not TOO Kind

Hello Children,

Hermit: Hello Children

Hermit the Harmonious Taoist Dragonfly calls on you to take a correct stance and understand the true nature of the rumors.

Gordon Chang, the restless traitor to our motherland,  says that our good Uncle Wen, the People’s Premier, is being undermined by our beloved Chairman Hu, because of “unhappiness with Premier Wen Jiabao‘s management of the economy”. These are, of course, ugly rumors as our enemies and their Gordon Chang always like to spread them. But of course, Chang has no idea – traitors to the motherland have no guanxi and get no access to neibu information. So you can see that he is making it all up.

Then again, it may be that there is a very small minority of bad elements which do think that Uncle Wen is too kind. But good elements like the other Gordon, that’s Gordon Brown, and great patriots like LuvChina would also say that Uncle Wen is too kind, but that doesn’t mean that they think he’s too kind. That’s a cultural difference, children, and when you grow up, you will understand it.

Wen Jiabao the too-kind General Li of the State Council

Wen Jiabao the too-kind General Li of the State Council

For now, all you need to know is that you must be prepared to counter the schemes of some real bad elements. Net Nanny, for example, sanctimoniously says that Uncle Wen is too kind and in her case, it does mean that she thinks that he’s too kind. Besides, she also keeps saying that our Country Father Sun Yatsen was too kind. Also, she says that Comrade Cai Mingzhao is a “wussy” while in fact, he’s only too kind. So you can see her true nature and the poor quality of her arguments, and her incorrect position.

Hu the Roaring Chairman

Hu the Roaring Chairman

So in fact, our collective leadership is very united, but if you should ever see our beloved People’s Premier roar very vocally and show his teeth on CCTV, in sort of the way Chairman Hu did here when he heard the ugly rumors our enemies spread about Nuctech, you will know that it’s the code facial expression that calls us good elements to rally around Uncle Wen and to close ranks around him.

If you know what I mean. If you don’t understand it yet, ask your Moms and Dads to explain it to you, and make sure they take a correct stance and  join the cause of supporting our People’s Premier, too.

So stay tuned to CCTV, and don’t miss the moment when the time has come, if it comes.

Got to spy fly now. Stay patriotic, children.

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