Archive for ‘Hermit’

Monday, July 18, 2011

Hermit: When You Stop at an Old Friend’s Farmhouse…

Hello Children,

Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly: You've seen the Future

Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly: You've seen the Future

here is another bit of cultural training for you. If you want to have a good relationship and good business with China later on, when you have grown up, there are only a few rules to follow, as shown in this reception for American preparatory high school students by our chairman Hu Jintaolast Friday. It’s never too early to learn, so here goes…

It was an unprecedented meeting, as our chairman was welcoming ordinary people to Zhongnanhai, but also, the way it went was mostly very precedented, and hallowed by tradition (except for the hugs). Look at this dialog!

“Glad to see you again,” said Hu, who was all smiles. “I am delighted to welcome you to Zhongnanhai.”

“We are very honored and very happy,” the students said.

Very precedented indeed. When you are very honored and very happy, everyone will be happy. Of course, you need to feel very honored, and not only happy.

Speaking in front of the Zhanxulou (The Pavilion of Placid Leisure), the students told Hu about their experiences in China and the feelings those had left them with.

To make sure about a cordial and placid meeting, don’t bother your Chinese counterpart (let alone our chairman) with stories about  people who greeted you with a funny-sounding HELLO? (if you travelled outside Beijing, anyway), and don’t think of this as a meeting where you are supposed to talk. To give our chairman a painting depicting a panda, the Great Wall and high-rise buildings in the US may be acceptable, even if “Grandpa” is not exactly the appropriate way to address our chairman.

An Old Friend's Farmhouse, CCTV Xinwen Lianbo, July 15, 2011 (click on this picture for video)

An Old Friend's Farmhouse, CCTV Xinwen Lianbo, July 15, 2011 (click on this picture for video)

If you are presented with a present by our chairman or any other important personality in our country, as he or she is aware of your humble birthday, give the whole world around you a look of astonishment, repeating the words “thank you” again and again.

Don’t take offense if a scholar, in a Huanqiu Shibao article, uses our chairman’s (or any other important Chinese personality’s) cordial reception for you as an example of how much our country cherishes good relations with the outside world and your country, while accusing your president of wanting to tear China apart, by accepting a spectacled dangerous monk‘s visit in the White House’s map room. Instead, you must understand the difference between our leadership which is full of love for the Tibetans, the Taiwanese, the Uyghurs, and the rest of the world (including your country).

While we are at it, don’t mention any unhappy issues when meeting an important Chinese personality. Don’t even apologize for your own president’s unruly behavior. Rather, show by your actions that you understand the real China.

To recite a Tang poem like Meng Haoran‘s (孟浩然) “Stopping at an Old Friend’s Farmhouse” is quite alright when meeting a central CCP cadre or leader, but consider refraining from reciting that kind of stuff when meeting urban cadres (local ones, that is), unless you know that they share the leadership’s concern for the countryside. You may come across as poor and stupid county bumpkins otherwise.

Also, refrain from singing the wrong songs at the wrong time. Sometimes, the time is right for a song or a recital, sometimes it’s not. What is sometimes pleasant, may be unpleasant at other times. In case of a doubt, check sensitives recitals with the CCP propaganda department in advance, before meeting our important personalities.

Your unforgettable reception by our chairman, or any other important Chinese personality, will help you to reciprocate in the right way, by defending China against insults from and in your country, once you are back. As our chairman honors you with so much of his precious time, you should reciprocate many-fold, as reciprocity and loyalty are value cherished by the Chinese people. Once you are back in America (some time later this month),

  • participate in phone-in shows frequently, especially if China is the topic, but otherwise, too. I mean, who cares about topics. China always matters.  Tell the host how good China is, how deep your impressions are, and how shameful America’s reply to China’s generosity is
  • write letters to the editors of your country’s newspapers, especially when China was the topic in an insulting way, and put everything straight
  • tell all your friends and family that China is the future, and that you’ve seen it
  • An old Chinese saying says 知行合一 (zhī xíng hé yī) which means the unity of knowledge and action. Don’t only tell people that China is the future, but act accordingly in whichever way. Submission is the best way to show that you know where the power is.
  • If your own country’s president, or any other important American personality, should ever receive Chinese students in a way similar to the way our Chinese chairman received you, please understand that your president’s action is just a cheap propaganda stunt, and changes nothing about your government’s hostile intentions toward us, the Chinese people. Use all the afore-mentioned methods to call your leaders’ bluff.

Be a true friend of the Chinese people. Learn from Norman Bethune, Joan Hinton (she was occasionally embarrassing, but a true friend of the Chinese people all the same), or Lisa Carducci.

Actually, Lisa Carducci is a particularly good example of how to be a great friend of the Chinese people. While it isn’t right to mention unpleasant things when meeting an important Chinese personality, it is good to show by your action that you disagree with your own bad government when it acts against China.

Carducci has always been forthright in her opinion. When the Chinese embassy in Belgrade was bombed in 1999, she wrote an article saying that the United States was responsible.

Of course, your opinion must not only be forthright. It must also be the correct opinion. If you expose yourselves to our venerable civilization long enough, you will hardly make any mistakes anymore. In fact, you may become almost as civilized as those HELLO? sayers in our more rural streets.

Basically, so long as you understand that the CCP and China are the same thing, at least you won’t commit grave mistakes, and you can’t really misjudge a situation completely.

And your business with China will stride from profit to profit.

That’s my lesson for today, dear children. Remember: you’ve seen the future, and it’s China. Or: when you stop at an old friend’s farmhouse, say nothing wrong.



» Tibet: the CCP sighs with Emotion, July 17, 2011
» Cui Tiankai on South China Sea: Keep it Simple, June 24, 2011
» Hu Jintao’s U.S. Visit: Vivid Micronisms, January 21, 2011
» America’s Dirty Helping Hand, August 12, 2010
» “Stopping at an Old Friend’s Farmhouse”, Yingyu Daxue

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Hermit: the Newest Angry Professor strives for your Originality!

Hello Children,

Hermit the soon-to-be-a-nobel-prize-laureate Taoist Dragonfly

Hermit the soon-to-be-a-nobel-prize-laureate Taoist Dragonfly

on Tuesday, I attended a very funny lecture at Zhejiang University. Professor Zheng Qiang (郑强) gave a witty talk and showed that he is a true friend of children like you. He says that growing up is not easy, and that it is no coincidence that our motherland’s children don’t grow to become Nobel Prize laureates later, but only Olympic winners instead. They aren’t free enough to leave the shadows of their parents’ control and ambitions, and therefore can’t  develop their own and original intellectual strengths! Children need time to play! But instead, their parents set the agenda! This hurts professor Zheng’s feelings very much!

He said that growing up is no 30-meters race and no 300-meters race and no 3,000-meters race! No, it’s a tenthousand-meters race! On  opening ceremonies of new semesters at Zhejiang University, a student is, on average, accompanied by 3.3 eldersparents or grandparents or whoever!

This is really useless, children. One elder is enough for you. Tell your parents to leave you alone. After all, schools and universities are taking good care of you.

What a great lecture. Professor Zheng was continuously interrupted by applause and enthusiastic rallying cries (呐喊声)!

Btw, professor Zheng isn’t only a professor, he has also been referred to as the newest fenqing (young and angry) professor by netizens!*) And before you worry that this could cause trouble, be assured that his anger is good anger, because he isn’t only a professor, but also the university’s deputy party secretary! He has even been voted Zhejiang University students’ favorite professor for three consecutive times!

So you can see from this, dear children, that there is no reason to worry. Let the party take good care of you, and you will become Nobel Prize laureates before you can spell LXB. Liberate yourselves! Think of the party as your mother! She will guide you to great achievements!

Stay happy, keep the party happy, and strive for originality under her correct leadership!

Got to fly now.



*) Unfortunately, no netizens have commented on this very witty article (Wuhan Evening News / 武汉晚报, via Enorth) yet.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Science in Action: China’s Golden Vase of National Unity

China Experts answer your questions. Send them to Follow-up questions are illegal and invalid.

Today: a question from our compatriot Mr. Wang, who lives in Chinese Keelung (基隆). At the desk today is Hermit, the Scientific Taoist Dragonfly.


Dear Mr. Hermit,

Five Living Buddhas were certified as Living Buddhas in a festive ceremony in Chengdu on Christmas Eve. The date confused me a bit, because I thought that Western religion and Buddhism are different things. Are they related somehow? And why are Living Buddhas  ciertified by Li Chongxi (李崇禧), who is himself not actually a Buddhist? Why would the CCP engage in superstitious activities?

Wang Hsien-sheng

Dear Mr. Wang,

Hermit the Scholarly Dragonfly

Your confusion is indeed not small. If you lived under our correct scientific guidance and leadership, this wouldn’t happen. But thank you for asking. As long as there are questions, there is always the hope for peaceful reunification and a better mutual understanding. I hope my efforts will also help our foreign friends to understand our motherland better.

The ceremony, of course, had nothing to do with Christmas. It was only advantageous to choose that day, because of some cosmic constellations which have nothing to do with Buddhism either, but were established by the Imperial Observatory scientifically. The constellation on the ground was advantageous, too, because all the malicious foreign press people who could have made fun of the festive event otherwise were sitting under their christmas trees and singing superstitious songs. This would be a better world without superstition, but as long as superstition continues to exist among a few Chinese people (the Chinese people includes Taiwan, Tibet, and Xinjiang), reasonable scientific patriots need to make sure that even superstitious people are at least patriotic.

Also, superstitious behavior is often used by outside forces to create a lot of trouble in our harmonious country. Did you know that there are still some problems with the reincarnation of living Buddhas?

Some reincarnated soul boys were appointed against religious ritual and historical convention, and without the government’s approval. This violated the normal order of Tibetan Buddhism and undermined the internal integrity of Tibetan Buddhism. The personages of the Tibetan Buddhist circle strongly protested against such practice and asked the government to strengthen its governance. Implementation of the rule regularized living Buddhas’ reincarnation and met the demand of the Tibetan Buddhist circles and aspiration of the followers.

You will have guessed it: the splittist so-called Dailai and other splittist forces were behind some of these illegal and invalid practices, too.  Superstition always leads to confusion. But there were good patriotic personages who at least wouldn’t allow that to disturb the harmony. That’s why the CCP must take good care of religious affairs. Based on science, we made sure that the real world (that’s ours) and superstition (that’s theirs) can harmoniously coexist.

The government only administers religious affairs of State and public interest and will not interfere in the pure internal affairs of religion. The authority prescribed by the rule includes:
– Accepting, verifying and approving applications for reincarnation.
– Approving requests for exemption of such ritual as a boy candidate can only be enthroned after he draws the lot with his name on it from a golden vase.
– Approving living Buddha succession.
– Approving the candidates for master interpreter and chanter of Buddhist scripture for the living Buddha and other related issues formed throughout history.

Living Buddhas, even though they only exist in their own superstitious imagination and that of a few other superstitious Chinese citizens, can play a constructive role in the happy life of our harmonious nation. They can also travel abroad and provide foreigners with vivid examples and detailed and accurate data about the happy life in our harmonious motherland.

Some other so-called Living Buddhas, on the other hand, have shown their unworthiness. Our procedures make sure that nothing terrible ever happens again. Unfortunately, some Han compatriots are also very superstitious.

Long live our Scientific Golden Vase of National Unity!



Pope’s message highlights tensions between Beijing and the Vatican, Irish Independent, December 26, 2010
We Can Stop the Music, October 20, 2008

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Hermit: America’s Dirty Helping Hand

Hello Children,

Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly: Pakistan's only friend

Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly: Pakistan's only true friend

of course, it is useful when one nation extends a helping hand to another. But by giving disaster relief to Pakistan, America only wants to improve its tarnished image in Pakistan, and it only wants to counter extremism from Balochistan.

(It doesn’t really matter where Balochistan is, children.)

Therefore, America’s motives are impure.

In fact, Pakistan knows the difference between real and phony friends very well. Pakistan thanked “close friend” of China !

While the American helping hand is dirty, China’s hand is very pure !

To know who your real friend is is very important, children. Never forget who your true friend is.  Never forget Uncle PLA.


Hermit: How China lends a Helping Hand, Dec 22, 2008

Friday, April 2, 2010

Hermit: Google subverts Reform Policies

Hello Children,

Hermit: Hello Children

Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly explains Google's threats against China

we are living in fateful times, and when the motherland is in mortal danger, you must sometimes interrupt your carefree games and heed your instructors’ warnings instead.

Maybe during the past weeks, you have noticed that your parents have become agitated about so-called Google, a  certain foreign-invested search engine. If your parents are among those misguided compatriots who harbor illusions about the hegemonists, you should listen to Uncle Hermit very closely now.

First of all, Google is a very dangerous company that wants to expose the lilywhite souls of our compatriots to online porn. If your parents don’t like our Party’s correct administration of the Chinese internet, it only shows that their once pure souls have already become grey or black.

But most importantly, Google is trying to corrupt the goals of our policies of reform and opening. The goal of Comrade Xiaoping‘s reforms has always been to make use of foreigners and to stoically tolerate the flies that come through the open windows, so long as we need some  bad people here. But in the Google case, it seems that the cooperation between Chinese and foreign investors was actually intricate!

Listen very closely now, children. The purpose of our participation in international business is not to make friends with foreigners! It is to use them, as Comrade Nanny correctly stated before. If those of our compatriots who built a Chinese joint venture with Google thought that a joint venture with foreigners is about win-win, i. e. including win for foreigners, they have profoundly misunderstood the concept of permitting foreign investment in China.

We must think of the Google puppets’ bad example as a stern warning to all of us. We are sometimes too good and honest, and naive. Like Comrade Xiaoping once said in an earlier situation when our country was facing mortal danger from abroad, too, we must pass the test, and we must never forget how cruel our enemies are! Uncle Hermit himself almost died at the hands of the imperialists when he was a child!

If you believe that your parents have become the puppets of foreigners, just send Uncle Hermit a confidential email, and everything is going to be alright again, soon. Don’t worry, children.

Got to fly now. Stay patriotic and vigilant, children.


CYD: Google’s “‘Puppets'”, April 2, 2010

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hermit: Google is a Political Scam

Disclaimer: the following is not exactly what the article behind the link underneath is saying. It constitutes Hermit’s personal opinion, rather than Xinhua‘s.

Google is an Agent of Cultural Imperialism

Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly: Google is an Agent of Cultural Imperialism

Hello Children,

Google is a scam. It wasn’t invented by two PhD students – those students were just dummies chosen and used by the CIA, to gather all the global information.

As the American government is fearing the coming of the Great China, they plot in every way to destroy us. That’s why they leerily invented Google. Google never intended to do business in China. How do we know? Because they are too arrogant to be business people. They were always less cooperative than foreign business people normally are, and this year, without any evidence, they claimed to have suffered a hacking attack from the Chinese government, and later, they released an ultimatum, rudely and in a threatening way (蛮横姿态威胁) demanding that China should allow them to provide their search results without censorship of their own do away with the legal administration, otherwise they would withdraw from the Chinese web searching market. It was the worst threat since the Opium Wars. We have narrowly survived this evil plot, thanks to the vigilance of our leadership.

All of a sudden, after four years in the Chinese market, Google no longer respects the normal ways of doing business (在商言商的普世之道)!

I mean, it works with every international company, except Google. So our experience can tell us that Google is no company. It’s an imperialist agent. Besides, history tells us that no company can afford to withdraw from China!

Besides, there are reports saying that U.S. secretary of state Hilary Clinton invited Google CEOs and other web-savvy bigwigs for a small dinner on January 7! They discussed how tools like Twitter and Google and Youtube could support American intervention in other countries, and encourage popular movements there.

Sorry, children, but we simply can’t afford to allow such dangerous media in China. After all, you people are far too gullible. You have eaten all our lies and manipulations without contradiction for decades – so how could we trust that you won’t eat their*) lies and manipulations just as easily? It will take decades before we can trust you a bit more, and only if you observe the eight honors very carefully. For starters, simply buy this silly explanation from me. Anyway, we will develop and improve internet administration in accordance with your real needs.

Down with cultural imperialism! Yell after me three times.

Now that’s what I call good kids. See you next time, and stay patriotic. Got to tweet fly now.


*) “their” includes all foreign cultural imperialists and their lackeys here at home


Tremendous Improvements, January 22, 2010
Natural disasters and Cola Disasters, China Daily, May 30, 2008

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Hermit and Nightwish: Make America collapse!

Hello Children,

Hermit joins Nightwishes Band's Wishes

Hermit joins Nightwishes Band's Wishes

Today I want to introduce a very good patriotic girl to you, whose alias is Nightwish Band. She published a very good essay on tiexue on February 5, with the title Making America Collapse should become Our Country’s Main Policy. Some details of her article may need some further discussion, but different from some people in our country in particular, who still harbor illusions about Obama, she looks clearly at the nature of the problems, and takes a firm stand to defend our country’s national interests.

OK, read for yourselves, and learn from her realism and patriotism.

[…..] As a huge socialist country whose situation is getting tougher abroad and at home, after the era of Mao Zedong and Deng Xiaoping, this country with its more and more developed economy has repeatedly become Europe’s and America’s fat pig, and in their economic crisis, they just stabbed China, greedily drew the blood and sweat of the Chinese people, when they voted in the time of crisis, they demonized China to get the support of their people, when they felt like it (他们有闲情趣致时), they dragged China into the G8, A2, and Copenhagen conferences, put yokes on China, watched China struggling, and had fun with it. The abortion of a big aircraft project, the bombing of the  embassy in Yugoslavia, the Hainan collision, the Asia financial crisis, the East Turkestan and Tibet trouble, etc. were all caused by America (是美国亲力亲为的). The occupation of Southern Tibet [藏南被占, referring to Arunachal Pradesh — JR], the crisis across the Taiwan Strait, the East China Sea dispute, the South China Sea encirclement are done by the lackeys who are worshipping America (美国的狗腿子作崇), mobilizing domestic factors [inside China]; the stock market crash, soaring housing prices, rising prices, SARS, avian flu, genetically modified food are all influenced and meddled into by America. Many of the crises China is facing were made by America. Currently, our greatest enemy is America, which wants to kill our Chinese nation!

The actual nature of Chinese-American relations aren’t about mutual benefit, strategic partnership, but about using and in the end eliminating one side. Since China was founded, many generations of leaders worked hard to maintain global peace, time after time, we we paid the price and were marginalized, America’s actions have already informed us that in the world order dominated by America, China isn’t welcome, and is even wanted to be destroyed! Only once we have understood this, we can discuss the following. […..]

Chew on it, children. Got to fly now. Keep learning from true patriots!


In a Hostile Atmosphere, What is There to Talk About, High Peaks Pure Earth, Febr 10, 2010
First School Lesson: Patriotic Essays, Sept 1, 2009

Monday, January 11, 2010

Net Nanny Relaunched (with more Maikefengs)

Net Nanny was released from jail late last week.  The recording of a telephone conversation, tapped into by the JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) on Thursday, suggests that she had been jailed as a result of a power struggle some two weeks ago. The following is the wording of that extremely sensitive state secret phone conversation which apparently led to her release.

Hermit (yells): Shikezhunbeizhe!

Good Ganbu

Good Ganbu

Good Ganbu: Good morning, Comrade. Did you get the news that Comrade Nanny is in jail?

Hermit: Yes I did. Must be a terrible blow to that conceited ugly crow. But well deserved, anyway.

Good Ganbu: Not so fast, Comrade Hermit…

Hermit: GULP!

Good Ganbu: She didn’t read that Californian porn magazine on a public bus for the whole world to see, right?

Hermit: Hardly so. she never socializes with the masses, that much is true. Maybe she read it in the rear compartment of her Red Flag Review Car. She bought herself one in a silly attempt to look as good as our great chairman, but she isn’t working half as xinku as he does.

Good Ganbu: Actually, she didn’t buy it. Uhm… anyway, only you and I have seen her reading that decadent Californian magazine, right?

Hermit: Uhm… who knows? Someone must have handed it to her, right? What are you up to, revered old comrade? Isn’t my work 65 per cent good, and only 35 per cent bad?

Good Ganbu: Well, yes, but you see, it is still 35 per cent bad. Even excellent scientists like you can make mistakes. Your public and neimu dang’an‘s both inform me that you graduated from Shanzhai Normal University (山寨师范大学), Ledu (乐都), Qinghai province, fifteen years ago. You completed your doctoral thesis there one year later, and became a professor there in 1997.

Hermit the Scholarly Dragonfly

Hermit the Scholarly Dragonfly

Hermit: Of course! It is one of our nation’s most acclaimed universities!

Good Ganbu: Ahem… listen, Comrade: our beloved motherland is developing at an unprecedented speed. The world’s fastest trains take us to many places, and even where their victorious rails end, there are comfortable buses and Red Flag Review Cars which now take us to every corner of our motherland…

Hermit: OK, OK, what do you want, revered old Comrade?

Good Ganbu: Comrade Nanny will be released from jail tomorrow, and I expect no further anonymous letters to reach my office, with evil accusations and rumors, OK? The world is in turm0il, and us Comrades must stand together, and not allow our enemies to…

Hermit: Oh, I would never engage in schemes and …

Good Ganbu: Of course not. By the way, in future public appearances and neimu party seminars, Comrade Nanny will be afforded another maikefeng – you will continue to use only one maikefeng. Bye for now.

More maikefengs for Comrade Nanny restore Harmony and give back face to her.

More maikefengs for Comrade Nanny will restore the Harmony and give back face to her.

Hermit (yells): Shikezhunbeizhe!

[Good ganbu rings off. Hermit starts sobbing uncontrolledly.]

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