Beijing — The situation in Xinjiang is very calm, and everything is under control. You are asking for proof? Here it is: the entire polit bureau has left Beijing for their Beidaihe vacation resort, and entrusted the standing committee’s work to the three stooges Good Ganbu (acting chairman), Net Nanny (censorship and information), and Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly (scientific and technical support). All you currently see on television about Mr Hu, Uncle Wen & the rest of the Collective Leadership is in fact archived material – the sessions look all the same anyway.
The vacation replacement standing committee released this report on Wednesday, and they met again this morning. As usual, the JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) has all the details.
censorship and information
scientific and technical support
Nanny [reading a porn magazine from California, mutters to herself]: This is sick! One really has to force oneself to look at it.
Hermit [enters the room, yells]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!
Nanny [leaps to her feet and raises her fist, yells]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!
Hermit: How’s your Green Dam project going?
Nanny: Shut up, ****tard! You’ve ****** it all up!
Hermit [snickers]: How can I **** it up when I’m not even involved in the project? Your viglilance is commendable, comrade Nanny – but you are playing your cards too close to your chest. If you understood the concept of collective leadership, this wouldn’t have happened…. Oh, nice book you’re reading there. Luo Guanzhong again, huh?
Nanny [blushes]: Bullshit. I need to maintain continuous vigilance. Enemies of the Chinese people smuggled this into Kashgar to weaken the morals of our troops there!
Hermit: Bloody amateurs. Probably the World Uighur Congress all over again. Remember how we made the U.S. Marines talk?
Nanny: Yeah! Long live the beautiful daughters of our motherland who sacrificed themselves and went to bed with those barbarians to pick their brains!
Hermit: Indeed. That Ms Li in particular was sweet. Where is she now?
Nanny: Dunno. We made her an olympic athlete later on, and she became as big as a tank, but she failed. Became useless. Lost sight of her.
Hermit: I see. Oh, here comes our acting chairman!
Hermit, Nanny [leap to their feet and scream at the top of their voices]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!!!!!
Ganbu [mutters]: Shik-shik-a. Take your seats and make yourselves comfortable. After all, it’s summer. Nanny, you have read this terrible magazine completely? Ni xin ku le!
Nanny: It’s my duty, comrade chairman. How was your night?
Ganbu: Wrote poems and read them all night through.
Nanny [whispers to Hermit]: Now, this is what I call a real chairman! Wish all those amateurs would stay in Beidaihe forever!
Ganbu [frowns]: Don’t whisper. The outside world is in turmoil. We need to trust each other. No cliques here.
Nanny [impressed and slightly ashamed]: Aye, aye, chairman.
Hermit: Who’ll keep the minutes?
Ganbu [sighs]: Me, of course. Only ganbus can take correct care of the records and edit them later, depending on a new situation. It’s a heavy burden. Anyway. As I said already, a very tiny minority of what is under heaven is in turmoil. And it’s no longer only Xinjiang. Another Turkestan clique is raising its ugly imperialist and arrogant head. They have a so-called prime minister, they belong to an imperialist military and political clique of imperialist, rotten and pornographic nations, and [….]
[He is referring to the Republic of Turkey and NATO. In short, the acting chairman is briefing the vacation replacement standing committee about all the latest developments.]
Nanny: What’s the name of that so-called prime minister?
Ganbu [tries hard to remember]: Well… he’s a guy with a mustache…
Hermit [whispers to him]: Erdoğan.
Ganbu: Ah, yes. Thanks, comrade Hermit. His name is Erdoğan. Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.
Nanny: Any dossiers?
[Hermit goes to his notebook, surfs to the latest Global Times edition to beam it on the wall.]
Ganbu: Wow! Ain’t science something! Thanks, comrade Hermit.
Hermit: No need to thank a comrade for merely performing his duties.
Ganbu [turns to Nanny]: He’s always got his stuff ready, Nanny. When I’m thinking about the slow progress your Green Dam project is making…
[Nanny lowers her head, but manages to give Hermit a glance of concentrated hate nevertheless.]
Ganbu: Don’t be evil angry, comrade Nanny. Just keep cultivating your good work further. You wouldn’t have been chosen to sit in for three standing committee members if your work wasn’t 60 per cent good, and only 40 per cent bad…
Nanny [in a bitter tone]: that doesn’t sound like positive feedback to me…
Ganbu: Oh, cheer up, comrade Nanny! You need to be politically correct! The party can’t give you better marks than it gave to Chairman Mao, can it?
Nanny: OK, OK… [in a sudden fit of rage]: Hrrrrgggch!!! What did that decadent dwarf with a mustache say?! Genocide?! He probably can’t even eat Kurds with chopsticks!
Hermit: My sources say that he can’t… He’s just a sore loser. Unfortunately, he has some influence as a so-called…
Ganbu: Keep cool, comrades, keep cool. It’s true – the rotten Qing Dynasty’s performance was lousy. They failed to recover our glorious motherland’s territory in its entirety. That so-called Republic of Turkey remains unfinished business. But that can’t be helped at the moment. Cool heads, please!
Hermit: But there is still something we can learn from the rotten Qing Dynasty after all…
Ganbu, Nanny [staring at Hermit]: WHAT?!
Hermit: They almost managed to kidnap Sun Yixian [Sun Yat-sen] while he was in London…
Ganbu, Nanny: Aaaah!
Ganbu [after a moment of thought]: but this could lead to a lot of so-called “international” complications!
Hermit: That depends. Let’s assume there’s a Patriotic Front for the Return to the Chinese Motherland in that so-called Republic of Turkey…
Nanny: Hehe! You are too naive, comrade Hermit! Of course, the masses there are longing for their return to the motherland! But they aren’t as organized as you seem to believe!
Ganbu: Just as we can adjust the records as needed, so can we adjust reality in so-called Turkey. Of course, this angry article in the Global Times wasn’t helpful, comrade Nanny. It reveals too much of our rightful indignation to the outside world. You should have clipped it in time. But we can still act. Hermit, you will form a working group on how to get that so-called prime minister here to Beijing. Don’t forget to study the records of the Qing records and make sure you understand what went wrong with the arrest of Sun Yixian.
Hermit: And let’s not lose sight of the bigger picture. There is still a very small minority of hostile forces in so-called Turkey.
Ganbu: OK. Anything else?
Hermit: The Western media are very hostile, as usual. Such as this ugly piece here…
Ganbu: That dirty piece isn’t equating Xinjiang and Mr Schnitzel’s family life, is it?!
Hermit: I’m afraid it is, comrade chairman…
Ganbu [bristles with anger]: Stuff about a criminal father who didn’t adhere to the one-child policy! This is the limit!
Nanny: Anyway, the Fifty-Cent party is doing all it can to neutralize the harmful effects of such dirty botches.
Ganbu: Keep up the good work. And comrade Hermit, if you find some maps in the Qing archives which prove our rightful ownership of Kazakhstan, bring it with you tomorrow, too. See you then – same place, same time. Shik-shik-a.
Hermit, Nanny: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!!