Zeng Jinyan: May the Almighty Buddha give me Faith

[The actual title of Ms Zeng’s post of November 4 apparently reads “My Confession”. If you are fluent in Chinese, please look at Ms Zeng’s original post. My translation isn’t necessarily accurate.]

[…] Today I took Baobao to Grandma and Grandpa, and in the afternoon, the state security wanted to talk with me. At the beginning of the meeting I said that I was quite tired, and on the verge of a nerveous breakdown, I said that “if the news is good, please tell me, and if it is bad news, there’s no need to tell me.”

State security said there was still something to talk…

On the Si Hui bus line, because of sort of a small thing, I was crying right in the middle of the crowd. I’m not sure when I cried last time. Maybe it was when Hu Jia got his jail sentence?

In the evening, I was back at Freedom City. When I entered the courtyard, plain-clothed police under bright headlights watched me vigilantly. There was also an ordinary infrared camera on the roof of the gate. Every time I raise my head I realize a blood flash in front of my eyes.

As I’m writing now, it is sort of a confession to the state security police. It’s also a confession to myself and to Hu Jia. In the future, when he can read it for himself, he will understand.

If you want to prolong Hu Jia’s prison term, or exacerbate his punishment, I’m certainly opposing it, but can still do nothing about it. If you release him ahead of schedule, I’m of course happy about it – I’m longing for his return. Maybe there were some aspects of our working methodology on environmental protection, AIDS, human rights which weren’t mature, and anyone may  criticize and make suggestions. But we have [or are] neither troups, nor a ruling party, and certainly no so-called conspiracy. Maybe we are too naive or simple, maybe we are too powerless; what we believe is that the one you save is the one you save – it is one at a time.

You want me to do Hu Jia’s ideological work and make him return to society soon – how should I not wish that he returns soon? But I have no opportunity – even when discussing society matters in letters with Hu Jia, he won’t receive them, so what can I do? I can only live half a life time after time and make my best efforts for the child. If you only want my shell but not my independent spirit and my will power, what should I do with this shell? If the disappearance of my spirit and will is a convenient method for you to solve your problem, to me the solution would be that my shell disappears, too. But only the divine has the right to do that. We have no right to abandon our lives. All kinds of wrongs, apart from a life depriving itself or the rights of another life also includes enslaving another life’s spirit and outward human being.

My spirit and strength are exhausted. Even looking after my child is difficult to do, she seems to feel deeply unsafe […], I’m not eating enough hot meals, [I’m not in a good state], I’m lacking sleep and I’m absent-minded. I can’t react to the matters that are happening in the world. When you dislike an organization, dislike a person, when you dislike someone’s statement, 直接找他们说去。I can’t tell people to say something or not to say something, and I have no right to do so. Who is doing good should get praise; who does bad will sooner or later be reviled; that’s common practice in China and the world.

I’m reading at New China Net [新华网] that the other day, the reporter learned from the State Council information office that the Chinese government has decided to establish a national human rights action plan to map out the development of the Chinese peoples’ human rights during the coming two years…

[Link:] China will take United Nations Human Rights Council’s universal periodic review

[Link:] Foreign ministry: Chinese government will continue to work for human rights

[Links to Chinese articles on Ms Zeng’s post]

To respect human rights, concern for humanity, respect for the dignity of humankind are the most basic things. Do you dare to look on what you have done? What you have done to us, the misery and sufferings, has been done on the foundations of abusing human rights.

I’m invoking the Almighty Buddha to give me faith, to guide my frozen hands, to give me his mercy, to end my tears and sorrow, to keep my humble heart from losing courage.

3 Responses to “Zeng Jinyan: May the Almighty Buddha give me Faith”

  1. JR,

    I just sent you an email about this translation. Go and check it out.



  2. C.A.,

    thanks for the advice! I’ve sent you an e-mail back with some questions.




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