Scientific: How Chinese Grammar compromises Chinese Public Relations


No fun in the Indian countryside

No fun in the Indian countryside

(Draft for a Children’s TV program)

 Parental Guidance is advised, as this program may contain some disturbing images.

Hello Children, it’s Hermit, the Taoist Dragonfly again. Today, I’m going to tell you what went wrong with the Sacred-Torch Show and Tibet. But to help you better understand, I will show you first what is happening in India. Most farmers there are poor, and they get some extra **** from their local governments and landlords. So, take a look at the India countryside… (Hermit clicks on his notebook, and a map of India appears.)

No fun in the Indian countryside, children.

Now let’s look at Tibet. It takes three slides to understand the whole problem. (Hermit clicks again.)

Tibet Slide 1

Tibet Slide 1

Tibet Slide 2

Tibet Slide 2

Tibet Slide 3

Tibet Slide 3

No fun in Tibet either, children.

And next, a Chinese government spokesman or woman says: “56 nationalities are living happily together in China”.

Understandably, the rest of the world, looking at this mess, feels bullshitted by the Chinese government spokesman or woman. Who likes to be bullshitted? Who wouldn’t want to show these losers that they can’t bullshit the rest of the world that easily?

Meantime, the media in India report on the way corrupt officials and landlords squeeze the indian peasants. That doesn’t change the sad lot of India’s poor and powerless, but at least Indians don’t say that corrupt officials, **** landlords, and poor farmers, are living happily together. Not even a government spokeswoman or man says that. And noone in the rest of the world feels bullshitted by India. Besides, even if some anti-India snakeghosts would want to spoil an Indian Sacred-Torch Show, there is none anyway. The world is adhering to the One-Torch policy (which is the Chinese Torch, of course).

Now, but why this bullshit? The answer is simple, children. The problem is that Chinese language doesn’t know a conditional tense. Of course, Chinese government spokespeople know the conditional tense in theory, because they can speak English. But they only know it in theory. They can’t say “If we had a decent Tibet (and Xinjiang) policy, 56 nationalities would live happily together.” They can’t even think that.

Same with the future tense. They can’t say “Once we have found a decent policy on Tibet (and Xinjiang), 56 nationalities will live happily together.” They can’t even think that. All they can say is “Han Zang Yi Jia”, which means “Han Tibetan one Family”.

The way they can combine verbs with the present tense is also limited. They can say things like “You commit heinous crimes” or “You make a serious mistake”. But they can’t say “We commit heinous crimes” or “We make serious mistakes”.

Some combinations simply don’t work in Chinese, and every limit on your language is also a limit on your imagination. No language course and no studies abroad can change that.

So, dear children, next time before you even think of committing heinous crimes against the Chinese Sacred Torch, think of this, and be a bit more understanding, OK? A Han’s life isn’t easy either.

Got to fly now.

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