Archive for the ‘Net Nanny’ Category

Net Nanny: CNN deserves a Bit of Encouragement

October 5, 2009
We´ll be there

Net Nanny: We´ll be there

Once again, JR is showing off all his ignorance, writing about so-called “censorship” in China. Bullshit. We only make sure that nobody’s feelings in our harmonious country get hurt. Besides, every child in JR’s own country gets censored when writing wrong answers to questions in a test. And every boss reprimands his underlings once in a while, even in the so-called “free world”.

If biased Western media make false and distorted presentations of the true China, we make sure that such botches never see the light of the day here. Take my word for it.

Also, you can easily see that when too-CNN news organizations like CNN repent their past wrongdoings and correct their ways, even our own official broadcasters might re-publish their works and thus reward their efforts, even if they still suck!

Example? Here you are. On September 28, Emily Chang, CNN’s correspondent here,  had a meeting with members of our Communist Youth League (共产主义青年团). Of course, her report still contains some hostile lines, such as

The students did arrive with a “minder” of sorts, but he was no older than them and didn’t interrupt the conversation.
旁边的确有一名“看护人”,不过他的年龄也不比3名学生大,而且在采访过程中也没有打断我们的谈话。

How naive! Of course there is always an elder comrade who gives the younger comrades instructions and then some feedback – the elder comrade is either an elder in terms of age and experience, or only in terms of experience. And frankly, answers like the one of Natalie Chen are indicative for everything that is wrong with our system, if you ask me. Look at this mess:

“Do you think everything is fair in China?” I asked Natalie. “At present I have to say no,” she said. “But, we are of course making progress towards it.”
“你认为中国的一切都公平吗?”我问纳塔利。“在目前阶段,我必须要说‘不’”,她说,“但是我们当然正朝着这一目标前进”。

OK, it was sort of the correct answer in ideological terms, because socialism isn’t exactly communism, and only a transitional phase towards Communism, but if it was up to me, she’d be arrested for this answer right away. We are already a very harmonious society, and her answer is therefore disconcerting and subversive. She hasn’t understood that  Harmony is better than Communism, and everybody in our party should understand that by now. Communism is only a foreign concept. Only Harmony is truly Chinese. But what can you expect, so long as wussies like comrade Mingzhao are having a say in our party? It is easy to realize that a lot of work not only on our Great Firewall, but also on the ideological orientation of a few comrades still needs to be done. I mean, look at the girl’s so-called “name”: Natalie (纳塔利). These kids have too many stupid Western ideas in their heads. Even Ma Ying-jeou of the Taiwanese authorities can do without a westernized name, and he’s still a bloody, albeit bootlicking, renegade. I mean, has he restored Taiwan to the motherland yet? Not even close!

But I’m getting distracted…

Of course, the not-too-false answers from our young comrades didn’t satisfy CNN, so they resorted to some sort of imperialist Orientalism once again, and interviewed a foreigner, David Shambaugh, in addition, who said that truths about harmony and so on are

“… all current slogans, but people are not really sure what they mean.”

Obviously, this is too stupid to quote for our own official broadcasters. Of course we aren’t always specific. If we were, we couldn’t accuse people of  deviating from the party line, because knowing the exact party line, they might actually stick to it all the time. In such a specific way, it would be impossible to discipline young party members with strange surnames. A bit of suspense is essential for stability.

But anyway, the message of encouragement we want to offer is that when once biased and hostile forces like CNN correct their ways, we are always benevolent. This is very important, and should be noted by other broadcasters too. This will enhance international friendship and cooperation, and make the world more harmonious.

I’d say that Ms Chang’s work is now 20 per cent good, 80 per cent bad, which is, after all, an improvement. But we will judge America not only by CNN’s progress, but also by what the Washington Post is doing. We won’t forget any of your biased and untrue representations. They have hurt our feelings.

P.S.: I really liked Ms Chang’s suggestion that the Communist Party will still be China’s one and only ruling party 60 years from now.

Take my word for it.

Net Nanny: Lots of Tea

September 8, 2009
tea, anyone?

Net Nanny: tea, anyone?

My job is a heavy burden. I have to read malicious and misleading articles in unhealthy foreign magazines every day, to keep it all away from the easily impressible dim people of our great nation. Stuff such as this from the so-called Economist of September 5, page 62, entitled “A harmonious and stable crackdown”.

*Sigh*

What a hopelessly sick heap of bullshit. Those sick minds who think up such ugly fiction just as we are approaching the happy arrival of sixtieth anniversary of our great People’s Republic are of course enemies of the Chinese people. But let me tell you this: there are no crackdowns here. There are only invitations for tea.

Sometimes, we invite bad elements for just some cups of tea, and the whole matter will only last for an afternoon. Sometimes we invite the bad elements for a lot more cups of tea, which is also very harmonious. And sometimes we kick people out who have stayed for tea for too long.

And while you are chewing on these truths about the Real Estate China, I suggest that you learn the following by heart:

Uphold the basic economic system with public ownership playing a dominant role and diverse forms of economic ownership developing together, and with the practice of distribution according to work being carried out as the mainstay alongside other forms of distribution.

Harmonious and festive greetings

Net Nanny

Net Nanny: Yes You Can (Stop Farting)

August 20, 2009
Can't stop farting

Fen Qing: can't stop farting

No unhealthy stuff

Net Nanny: No unhealthy stuff

Dear Nanny,

whenever I get into the society of civilized people, even if only online, I start farting uncontrolledly. What can I do?

Submissively devoted to the way of becoming a civilized patriot:

– Fen Qing

______________

Fen Qing,

getting rid of your bad habits is actually not complicated. It only takes some routine, and a few decisions.

Step One:
Go to mylaowai.com – but only ONE MORE TIME -, print his Book of Helpful Help, and start implementing six out of those ten rules in your life (with the exceptions of no’s six, eight, nine, and ten, which are utterly unhealthy bullshit). Then, if you are patient, you will meet and get that girl. She won’t be great, but she’ll be good enough for you.

Step Two:
Never read foreign blogs again afterwards. You will never stop farting in civilized peoples’ company anyway. Not even online. Install Green Dam on your computer and don’t try to cheat. If you are abroad, return to your motherland a.s.a.p.. You’ll never stop farting abroad.

Step Three:
Limit your time online to ninety minutes a day. Otherwise, you will receive re-education on your return to the motherland.

– Net Nanny

The Standing Committee’s Erdoğan Minutes

July 11, 2009

Beijing — The situation in Xinjiang is very calm, and everything is under control. You are asking for proof? Here it is: the entire polit bureau has left Beijing for their Beidaihe vacation resort, and entrusted the standing committee’s work to the three stooges Good Ganbu (acting chairman), Net Nanny (censorship and information), and Hermit the Taoist Dragonfly (scientific and technical support). All you currently see on television about Mr Hu, Uncle Wen & the rest of the Collective Leadership is in fact archived material – the sessions look all the same anyway.

The vacation replacement standing committee released this report on Wednesday, and they met again this morning. As usual, the JR Intelligence Unit (JIU) has all the details.

Revolutionaries are always innocent

writes poems

censorship and information

censorship and information

scientific and technical support

scientific and technical support

______________________
Nanny [reading a porn magazine from California, mutters to herself]: This is sick! One really has to force oneself to look at it.

Hermit [enters the room, yells]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!

Nanny [leaps to her feet and raises her fist, yells]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!

Hermit: How’s your Green Dam project going?

Nanny: Shut up, ****tard! You’ve ****** it all up!

Hermit [snickers]: How can I **** it up when I’m not even involved in the project? Your viglilance is commendable, comrade Nanny – but you are playing your cards too close to your chest. If you understood the concept of collective leadership, this wouldn’t have happened…. Oh, nice book you’re reading there. Luo Guanzhong again, huh?

Nanny [blushes]: Bullshit. I need to maintain continuous vigilance. Enemies of the Chinese people smuggled this into Kashgar to weaken the morals of our troops there!

Hermit: Bloody amateurs. Probably the World Uighur Congress all over again. Remember how we made the U.S. Marines talk?

Nanny: Yeah! Long live the beautiful daughters of our motherland who sacrificed themselves and went to bed with those barbarians to pick their brains!

Hermit: Indeed. That Ms Li in particular was sweet. Where is she now?

Nanny: Dunno. We made her an olympic athlete later on, and she became as big as a tank, but she failed. Became useless. Lost sight of her.

Hermit: I see. Oh, here comes our acting chairman!

Hermit, Nanny [leap to their feet and scream at the top of their voices]: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!!!!!

Ganbu [mutters]: Shik-shik-a. Take your seats and make yourselves comfortable. After all, it’s summer. Nanny, you have read this terrible magazine completely? Ni xin ku le!

Nanny: It’s my duty, comrade chairman. How was your night?

Ganbu: Wrote poems and read them all night through.

Nanny [whispers to Hermit]: Now, this is what I call a real chairman! Wish all those amateurs would stay in Beidaihe forever!

Ganbu [frowns]: Don’t whisper. The outside world is in turmoil. We need to trust each other. No cliques here.

Nanny [impressed and slightly ashamed]: Aye, aye, chairman.

Hermit: Who’ll keep the minutes?

Ganbu [sighs]: Me, of course. Only ganbus can take correct care of the records and edit them later, depending on a new situation. It’s a heavy burden. Anyway. As I said already, a very tiny minority of what is under heaven is in turmoil. And it’s no longer only Xinjiang. Another Turkestan clique is raising its ugly imperialist and arrogant head. They have a so-called prime minister, they belong to an imperialist military and political clique of imperialist, rotten and pornographic nations, and [....]

[He is referring to the Republic of Turkey and NATO. In short, the acting chairman is briefing the vacation replacement standing committee about all the latest developments.]

Nanny: What’s the name of that so-called prime minister?

Ganbu [tries hard to remember]: Well… he’s a guy with a mustache…

Hermit [whispers to him]: Erdoğan.

Ganbu: Ah, yes. Thanks, comrade Hermit. His name is Erdoğan. Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

Nanny: Any dossiers?

[Hermit goes to his notebook, surfs to the latest Global Times edition to beam it on the wall.]

Ganbu: Wow! Ain’t science something! Thanks, comrade Hermit.

Hermit: No need to thank a comrade for merely performing his duties.

Ganbu [turns to Nanny]: He’s always got his stuff ready, Nanny. When I’m thinking about the slow progress your Green Dam project is making…

[Nanny lowers her head, but manages to give Hermit a glance of concentrated hate nevertheless.]

Ganbu: Don’t be evil angry, comrade Nanny. Just keep cultivating your good work further. You wouldn’t have been chosen to sit in for three standing committee members if your work wasn’t 60 per cent good, and only 40 per cent bad…

Nanny [in a bitter tone]: that doesn’t sound like positive feedback to me…

Ganbu: Oh, cheer up, comrade Nanny! You need to be politically correct! The party can’t give you better marks than it gave to Chairman Mao, can it?

Nanny: OK, OK… [in a sudden fit of rage]: Hrrrrgggch!!! What did that decadent dwarf with a mustache say?! Genocide?! He probably can’t even eat Kurds with chopsticks!

Hermit: My sources say that he can’t… He’s just a sore loser. Unfortunately, he has some influence as a so-called…

Ganbu: Keep cool, comrades, keep cool. It’s true – the rotten Qing Dynasty’s performance was lousy. They failed to recover our glorious motherland’s territory in its entirety. That so-called Republic of Turkey remains unfinished business. But that can’t be helped at the moment. Cool heads, please!

Hermit: But there is still something we can learn from the rotten Qing Dynasty after all…

Ganbu, Nanny [staring at Hermit]: WHAT?!

Hermit: They almost managed to kidnap Sun Yixian [Sun Yat-sen] while he was in London…

Ganbu, Nanny: Aaaah!

Ganbu [after a moment of thought]: but this could lead to a lot of so-called “international” complications!

Hermit: That depends. Let’s assume there’s a Patriotic Front for the Return to the Chinese Motherland in that so-called Republic of Turkey

Nanny: Hehe! You are too naive, comrade Hermit! Of course, the masses there are longing for their return to the motherland! But they aren’t as organized as you seem to believe!

Ganbu: Just as we can adjust the records as needed, so can we adjust reality in so-called Turkey. Of course, this angry article in the Global Times wasn’t helpful, comrade Nanny. It reveals too much of our rightful indignation to the outside world. You should have clipped it in time. But we can still act. Hermit, you will form a working group on how to get that so-called prime minister here to Beijing. Don’t forget to study the records of the Qing records and make sure you understand what went wrong with the arrest of Sun Yixian.

Hermit: And let’s not lose sight of the bigger picture. There is still a very small minority of hostile forces in so-called Turkey.

Ganbu: OK. Anything else?

Hermit: The Western media are very hostile, as usual. Such as this ugly piece here…

Ganbu: That dirty piece isn’t equating Xinjiang and Mr Schnitzel’s family life, is it?!

Hermit: I’m afraid it is, comrade chairman…

Ganbu [bristles with anger]: Stuff about a criminal father who didn’t adhere to the one-child policy! This is the limit!

Nanny: Anyway, the Fifty-Cent party is doing all it can to neutralize the harmful effects of such dirty botches.

Ganbu: Keep up the good work. And comrade Hermit, if you find some maps in the Qing archives which prove our rightful ownership of Kazakhstan, bring it with you tomorrow, too. See you then – same place, same time. Shik-shik-a.

Hermit, Nanny: SHIKEZHUNBEIZHE!!!

Net Nanny: Help for Distracted Learners

July 6, 2009
Confucius says: Keep Learners in their Orbit

Confucius says: Keep Learners in their Orbit

JR is displaying all his ignorance about China: he yaks about Taoism as an additional philosophy to Confucianism, and about sellouts dropouts who start learning Chinese and discontinue their studies before graduating. But it is Confucius who has the answers to the typical learning problems of Westerners.

The first one is “determination to achieve one’s goals,” which is best illustrated by this line from The Analects (Lunyu): “Like heavenly bodies faithfully following their own orbits endlessly, a superior man is always determined to strive for his goal in life.”

You see, the Westerners are all distracted: by waiting for Michael Jackson’s resurrection, going to pubs for binge drinking, watching unhealthy things on the internet, and so on. Actually, we made the mistake of allowing too many of these things here in China, too, and Net Nanny has always been consistent in forcefully making a case for tighter censorship.

If those learners of Chinese only had healthy Chinese stuff and nothing else on their computers, they would stay in their orbit and make progress very quickly.

Some comments on hostile blogs are also very stupid. A certain C.A. for example apparently complains that a lot of people only study Chinese because they think they can earn a lot of money with that. What’s wrong with that? Confucius says:

“Like heavenly bodies faithfully following their own orbits endlessly, a superior man is always determined to strive for his goal in life.”

And that certain C.A. even has the nerves to allege that our teaching methods were not modern! Tell you what: Foreigners who want to make money with their Chinese language skills are most likely to bend over backwards to please us, for fear of losing business otherwise. That said, we should also make sure that Chinese people never fall for the Eight Disgraces themselves.

OK. Nothing is so great that it can’t still be improved. Net Nanny advocates putting all the foreign students of Chinese into a campus with a library which only contains a few books which are definitely healthy, to provide internet access there, and to make the installation of Green Dam protection software mandatory on each computer. You will find out that the Chinese language skills of these foreign students will blossom like ten-thousand flowers within months, so long as they aren’t allowed to leave the campus.

And with such a success story, Confucius Institutes will be very popular around the world, and stride from victory to victory!

_____________

P. S.: of course, there is the problem that our enemies have already inflicted inconsistencies on China. Comrade Mingzhao is a wussy, and many cadres these days are too simple, sometimes naïve. We need to address these problems without further delay.

_____________

Related: An Inconvenient Truth about Learning Chinese, Jan 18/31 2009

Net Nanny: Ashley Madison Censors You!

May 13, 2009

Tongbaomen and Sellouts,

No Unhealthy Stuff

No Double Standards

to those of you to who keep worshipping so-called freedom of expression in Western countries, there is no such thing! Only a few days ago, I tried to post my photo at Ashley Madison for a convenient quick affair, for a lasting relationship, to keep myself informed, for testing freedom of expression, and guess what kind of treatment I got. I was informed that

This photo is pending approval for public viewing. Please allow up to 24 hours for approval.

So, you illusionists talking about so-called free speech in Western countries, be informed that there is no free speech whatsoever! Censorship like the one that happened to me at Ashley Madison’s website would never happen in our country! Would Tianya, Tiexue, or Baidu ever impair your fundamental rights in such a way? No!

So whom do you want to entrust with censorship? Ashley Madison or me?
You better trust me.

___________________

JR’s note: I don’t know either what JY means. But the anti-CNN struggle is there to help you and has listed a number of possible meanings here.

Net Nanny: Three-Self Control

April 19, 2009

Dear Net Nanny,

isn’t it almost impossible to control the population of a country as vast as yours? I can’t imagine how that works!

Singing General.

___________________________

Singing General,

About Self-Control

Self-Control of the People

I think your question is really about as to how we are doing a better job here in China, than you and your comrades ever did in East Germany. OK, first of all, both our propaganda and our censoring systems are better than yours ever were. Your bedtime stories always made us yawn. Besides, you sided with Russia (the past), not with China (the future).

But of course, there are also some natural factors. Even criminals don’t like criminals here. Sometimes we, the guardians of decency, conventions, and harmony, are just sitting in our offices, having a nice cup of tea and wait until they come and report each other. Its called the three-self (三自) here: rob yourselves, beat yourselves, and turn yourselves in.

And if you are an important personality (and maybe somewhat afraid of the three-self commonality), don’t be confused. Jackie Chan (陳港生), for example, is a great example for self-control, too.

You could have learned a thing or three from us thirty years ago, bloody social-imperialist.

Harmonious greetings

Deutsche Welle Chinese Department Acquitted

March 27, 2009
Net Nanny's take

GEE, you are AMATEURS!

Ulrich Wickert is a former television anchorman, correspondent, and son of Erwin Wickert, a diplomat and author of several books on China. Last year, Erik Bettermann, director of Deutsche Welle (aka the Voice of Germany) asked Ulrich Wickert for an evaluation of the station’s Chinese department’s work. The situation was tense; Bettermann had to testify in a parliamentary commission next day. Wickert agreed to review the Chinese department’s previous articles and productions, and Bettermann was in a position to tell the parliamentary commission that an independent review was in progress, writes the Süddeutsche Zeitung.

Wickert delivered his findings on February 4, according to the Süddeutsche. Apparently, it took an investigative journalist to smell the finished report. The Süddeutsche asked the Voice for a comment, and Bettermann praised Wickert’s work as “great”, but said he didn’t want to publish Wickert’s report, as he didn’t want “to revive the China debate again”.

Wickert’s findings in short, according to the Süddeutsche Zeitung: accusations of slanted China coverage were completely unfounded. Politicians had picked up the accusations unchecked, hoping that they would help them to get public attention.

It’s no sweetheart report. Director Bettermann is criticized by Wickert for hasty and unjustified personnel decisions, apparently because of public and political pressure. Wickert also quotes Freimut Duve, former OSCE representative on freedom of the media: a statement by a journalist must not be put into context with his or her country of origin. Zhang Danhong, the Chinese service’s deputy manager, had come under attack for saying that China had succeeded in lifting 400 mn people out of poverty during the past thirty years, thus contributing more than any other political force to achieve article three of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Reacting to the controversy following Zhang’s remarks, Bettermann had suspended her from work in front of the microphone last year. Wickert pointed to a similar statement by Georg Blume, China correspondent for the weekly Die Zeit, which never became controversial.