Comrades there at the Propaganda Department:
Basically, I’m very proud of your good work. However, with this neimu memo, I would like to add some remarks and give you some important and valuable advice from my position as an experienced elder, so that you can improve your good work further.
Your timely article on our Information Office of the State Council is quite good, but it is only 70% good and 30% bad. Why? Because you chose the headline “China hits back with report on U.S. human rights record”.
Granted, we do give a damn on human rights, unless human rights violations make us lose face or unless progress in this field solidifies our rule. But you must never allow foreigners to read that in a Xinhua Headline! This openly suggests that we only think of human rights concerns as diplomatic tools. In a headline, something like “The Chinese nation expresses deep concern about the terrible situation of the American citizens under the cruel oppression of their government” is called for.
I also have to say a few words to the comrades who wrote the report itself. Considering that the yankees publish their report annually at the same time, you had a lot of time to prepare a crushing rebuff to their predictable aggression. In that light, the essence of your response is disappointing. Maybe I’m only a bit proud of you after all.
1) The line about personality disorders contains a contradiction. Of course, the information that less than one out of four personality-disordered college-aged Americans gets medical help may suggest that the others can’t afford it. But it can also indicate that brainwashing isn’t mandatory in America. Think of those of our newly-rich compatriots who have those who can afford to smash the most Rémy Martins on the wall of the bar parties. For those Comrades who live in the countryside where the local hotels only have half a dozen Rémy-Martins on stock, and who may therefore not have seen this game: It is about which powerful personality smashes the most Rémy Martins without changing the color of his face when paying for it. Of course, these personalities might get away without paying, too, but to show how rich they are, they have to pay.
How often have we, the elders, written letters to them advising them to throw scrambled eggs instead as this would be much less decadent and provocative! But do the powerful personalities listen? Do they even get their personality disorders treated? No! Why not? Because with a personality order, you usually don’t realize that you need treatment, and there is nobody who dares to tell you that you need help. On the other hand, our subjects of course do get treatment from time to time with or without wanting it, because they are just little buggers who are talking too much. The staff at the hotels who have to clean up the mess after a Rémy-Martin smashing party may develop personality disorders too, by the way. Small people are often ungrateful.
2) Then there is a pragraph which is really dangerous, which is the one about racial discrimination: it refers to Hispanics. You see, the Hispanics actually chose to live in the United States. On the other hand, the lousy and ungrateful Tibetans may leap at that and say that they didn’t come to China, but China came to them! And as they are ungrateful, they consider every suggestion that they don’t take a bath regularly (as we all know as a fact) racism!
3) Another mistake is that you cite too many American sources. By that you suggest that Americans are actually aware of some of their human rights violations and see them as such. But to paint a truly convincing picture, you need to suggest that they treat their minorities with the same contempt as we do (or worse, which is of course a challenging propaganda task).
4) Last but not least, of course women in the U.S. are underrepresented in Congress. But everyone knows that the U.S. Congress wields actual political power. Even the most patriotic Chinese people know that the National People’s Congress is just a catwalk for uniforms and folkloristic rags. You know who’s making the decisions here, Comrades, don’t you? Well, out of the 17th Politburo‘s 25 members that I can remember, only one – Liu Yandong – is a woman. This, I think, amounts to 4%. Meantime, even a silly chicken like Sarah Palin is allowed to be governor in a U.S. state! How can you offer the enemy such an open flank and talk about womens’ rights in America?
All this taken together, I think your work was only 30% good, 70% bad this time. I appreciate your hard work. Tongzhimen, nimen xinkule! But I also have to say that your hard work sucks. We used to do better when people like me were still active. You still have to learn. We, the old retired comrades, will always be ready to help you, and give you valuable and important advice.
Don’t forget to keep this memo confidential. With some more effort and deliberation, we will definitely be victorious! In the future, don’t forget to listen to the