This morning, British prime minister Leonid Brezhnev Gordon Brown wrote a confidential letter to Chinese prime minister Wen Jiabao about the shoe incident.
JR’s intelligence unit intercepted the message, and here it is.
FM: Downing Street 10, London. SW1A 2AA, Gordon Brown, H. M.’s Prime Minister
To: H. E. Wen Jiabao, General Li of the PRC’s State Council
Her Majesty, me, and the British people are deeply troubled and angered by the sinister shoe attack against Your Excellency by a German individual. Our Royal Inquisition has now established the identity of the rotten fenzi which did that to us. It’s an individual named Martin Jahnke. He’s still in denial, but our Inquisition will take thorough care of him. I should have been able to tell from his funny accent before that it was a Kraut. He was a very, very, very isolated sick element.
Sorry, but I can’t act in accordance with your request and be lenient with *** **** *** ************ *** **. You are too kind. We will hand it over to the Nyima Cering under an Extraordinary Rendition scheme and not to you because you are too-nice-an-uncle. We are confident that the Nyama Cering & Company will, under their high degree of Chinese Tibetan autonomy, take thorough care of the individual if our Inquisistion doesn’t finish him already. And in the unlikely case that it wasn’t him after all, who cares. This matter is too grave to split hairs.
Meantime, we will send you the shoe so that you can benchmark its technology, as you have requested. Glad to let you have it.
Sorry, sorry, sorry forever. Sorry also for the Opium Wars. And for the rain during your visit. Deeply sorry. Please forgive us. You are too kind.